AboutKim Expertise I am a survivor. I know what it’s like to be the victim. I am now a Sexual Assault Victim’s Care Advocate. I have been certified as such since November 2000. I am currently a student who is specializing in trauma and abuse and the associated disorders and illnesses.
Experience I am a survivor. So, I not only have book smarts but, personal experience with what rape is and how much it affects the victim and his or her loved ones.
Expert: Kim Date: 6/30/2008 Subject: i told him "no. i have a boyfriend."
Question over the weekend, i went to a friend's bachelorette party. we had been
drinking a lot. we met some guys in a bachelor party that were staying on the
same hotel floor as us and talked with them for a little while. i was acting
flirty with one guy, but i made it very clear that i had a boyfriend and was not
interested. he said he had a girlfriend, so he seemed pretty harmless. the
conversation randomly moved to mace. i was like, "i have mace in my car!" so
we decided to go get the mace out of my car to play a joke on someone. the
two of us separated from the group and went to the parking garage. when we
got there i realized that my car keys were in the hotel room. he tried to move
in for a kiss, and i was like, "no, i have a boyfriend." he started kissing me
really hard, and i resisted him. i may have kissed him back for two seconds,
but then i made him stop, saying "no." all of a sudden he had his stupid cock
out. i didn't even see it, and he put my hand on it, and said, "look how hard i
am. do you want to have sex? i have a condom." i was like, "no. i have a
boyfriend" and even made excuses about not having the keys to my car. in a
matter of seconds, he was kissing me and moving me, and he put me up
against the hood of my car, pushed my legs open and pushed up my skirt.
and all of a sudden, he was having sex with me. it only lasted for a few
seconds, because i pushed him off me and walked away. right at that time,
my friends and his friends got off the elevator in the parking garage.
everyone was asking me if i was okay, so i guess it was pretty evident that
something had happened. i was clearly shaken up and mad, and just wanted
away from him. i feel so guilty, too, because i LOVE my boyfriend so much. i
always heard that girls blame themselves, and i totally understand that. i
shouldn't have been drinking so much, i shouldn't have worn that outfit, i
shouldn't have been flirty, i shouldn't have even been talking to those guys, i
shouldn't have kissed back even for a second. but even if i did, that wasn't
consent to have sex! i feel like sh t. i don't want to tell my boyfriend, because
it's not as if it happened in the parking lot of the grocery store. i kind of set
myself up for it. but i had been drinking a lot and didn't even realize what i
was getting myself into. is this rape? it didn't last long at all, and he let me go
when i shoved him off me. on the other hand, he did ask if i wanted sex, and
i did say no.
Answer Amour,
Yes, this is rape. You said no and you did not give consent. At no point did you make it seem that you wanted this. It has nothing to do what you drink or how much, what you wear or don’t wear. Rape is an act of violence and rage and when you resisted, he needed to take control. Are you in counseling? Would you consider counseling?
