AboutKim Expertise I am a survivor. I know what it’s like to be the victim. I am now a Sexual Assault Victim’s Care Advocate. I have been certified as such since November 2000. I am currently a student who is specializing in trauma and abuse and the associated disorders and illnesses.
Experience I am a survivor. So, I not only have book smarts but, personal experience with what rape is and how much it affects the victim and his or her loved ones.
Expert: Kim Date: 6/1/2008 Subject: What else can i do?
Question QUESTION: I have been in a relationship for 6 years with the most wonderful girl i have ever meet. There is one thing holding us back from moving to the next level and she is very open to admitting what that is to me but won't tell me how i can help fix it. She was raped when she was 14 by her soccer coach/teacher when she was in highschool. Rumors flew around campus but being a trooper never opted to do home school and just stuck it out going to highschool where all of this happened. I can only imagine what effect that would have had on her knowing almost all of these students knew what had happened. When she had graduated highschool we moved out together and spent every second together, but she had this dream since all of this happened to go to school in a different state since all of this had happened to her. I thought she was over it but i had only delayed this. 3 years after being together she left and we have been doing the long distance ever since. Its starting to get hard considering I'm 25 and shes about to be 23 and everything is coming up in my life besides this constant stagnant relationship that i have worked so hard to make work. I willing to make the move to where she is and i know why she doesn't want to come back home cause this guy that did this is going to be getting out soon. All she ever says is that "What happened to me still effects me today". I love this girl and i will never break this is off cause shes the one and only, but i would just like to know what else i can do to convince her that I'm not going anywhere.
ANSWER: Marc,
I guess for me I am thinking, what do you want? It seems that you are considering all of her feelings and needs, but forgetting that you also have needs and wants. I am concerned that you may be giving up too much and that your love may ultimately suffer.
I think you have and you are doing everything you possibly can for your girlfriend, but, I don’t want you to forget yourself. Does that make sense? Love and take care of her, but don’t forget to love and take care of YOU. Because believe it or not your happiness influences hers.
I wish you both the very best,
Kim
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hmmmm...that was the last thing i was expecting to read kim. I always felt like i wasn't doing enough. I know by reading your answer there are a lot more people that need your help and advice more then i do but i would like to ask one follow up question. What if it wasn't me that wrote that and it was her explaining our situation. What would you tell her? Would the advice be any different? I thank you in advance for you insite and help
Answer Marc,
Keep in mind that you wrote about you. If it had been your girlfriend I would have helped her. I think when we see or know that people we love are hurting we feel like we need to “fix it” and we just can’t. We can’t “fix it” change it, make it all better. I also know that we can become so invested in helping others that we make ourselves sick. I say this, because I have a friend who is a victim and it’s very different helping people when they are people that are near and dear to your heart, does that make sense.
So I am not saying that you shouldn’t keep doing for your girlfriend and she absolutely needs your love and support, but take a moment and look at what you are already doing. You’ve always supported her, been there for her, respected her, looked out for her, and now you are moving to her so she doesn’t need to come back to a place that has treated her so wrongly and unfairly.
I am not sure that I truly understand your follow up question… if she wrote to me. You mean if she wrote to me asking me how you could help her, would my response be different. Well if she were to write to me, and ask how you could help her and she had shared with me what you were doing already, I would ask her what she felt was lacking, I would ask her what it is that she needs, and ask that she communicate that with you. I would certainly let her know that I was on her side and praise her strength to keep going through all her injustices. I would encourage counseling and support groups.
