AboutKim Expertise I am a survivor. I know what it’s like to be the victim. I am now a Sexual Assault Victim’s Care Advocate. I have been certified as such since November 2000. I am currently a student who is specializing in trauma and abuse and the associated disorders and illnesses.
Experience I am a survivor. So, I not only have book smarts but, personal experience with what rape is and how much it affects the victim and his or her loved ones.
Expert: Kim Date: 7/14/2008 Subject: Past haunting
Question QUESTION: Since the discussion of my past I've noticed my emotions are flooding in hard and fast, I feel like a child again. Everything that bothered me then is bothering me again. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. And I can't stop it.
I'm 30 years old now not a child, and yet it's all just the same, the tears, worries, insecurities, the fears, everything.
Even his words are haunting me as they once were. In a strange sense it feels like the old nightmares are all new.
I remember him making me get on my knees, his hands tightly gripping my hair, so tight it felt like my scalp was being pulled, as we were 'doing things', he was saying that 'is this what you want' over and over, followed by 'you know you want it', at the same time he was saying it, it was like I wasn't really even there. I didn't want him to do anything, and I've found myself even needing to be reasurred of that. Everything just feels so strange, and I don't know why.
Right from the very start we've never been able to live under the same roof together, he became more then posessive of mum it was as if us as children got in the way of his relationship with her, yet he apparently wanted more children after we were born. And he couldn't stay faithful to her either.
When I was around 4 and my sister 11 my dad has his first affair, my sister and I shared a double bed and he had sex with the person he was having an affair with, in the bed with us, this was the first sexual occurance infront of me that that I'm aware of.
The next was when I was 7 ish we'd moved to this area with a stone outside building, like a large shed, and I can remember him nervous and in a rush, and he was trying to have sex with me but he couldn't do it, not all the way. I was overwhelemed with fear. Not just because of things that were making me overly uncomfortable, but also because I thought I was going to get caught and in trouble, and protested, he eventually gave up, but I'm not sure why.
For around 9 years he was either trying, touching, having sex or doing strange things, he seemed to resent the relationship that I had with my mum, he'd shout at me that it was HIS wife, and his house, he payed the bills, and he could do what he liked, I felt in the way, and we had a massive personality clash. Yet mum was defensive of him, blaming his upbringing or that we 'were to much alike', (No way). There was a bond with dad and mum that I cant put into words, and there still is even though now my dad is in his 60's, and they're facing a divorce after yet another affair, (With someone younger then I am).
Even so it still feels like he can do no wrong, that there's an excuse in waiting for anything he may or may not do.
Its like, during the affair, he's been nasty, spent time with his girlfriend during Christmas, and during mum and dads anniversary, calling mum a liar, and laughing in her face, now the affair is over, and he gave his sob stories (Sorry). She's prepared to sit and hold his hands and hug and kiss, and basically say that he's her best friend and has been for so many years, I've tried to think to myself that she's an adult and it's her choice, which it is, but it's no less confusing sometimes, especially since we're the ones the ones that help pick up the pieces.
I escape was with alchol and more recently my partner and emailing samaritans As this past couple of weeks or so I've ended up feeling little else but tired and very emotional.
I see alot of faults in myself, and question myself as a whole, and struggle to find anything other then negatives, no matter how much soul searching I do.
The antidepressant medication helps over the long term, but it doesn't stop it happening or make it any less on the tough times.
It seems to be getting quite tough at night at the moment, when it goes quiet and dark I'm remembering more bits over and over again, memorys that are haunting me awake, and asleep. Last night I woke up, whining, it felt strange, I hugged my blanket, a comfort in it's own way, because uncovered I feel uncomfortable/exposed, I guess, sort of like someone self-aware might do if they walk down the street with nothing on. I think it stems from when he'd come in and throw my bedding on the floor - the feelings were the same, the exposed wanting to cover up, to hide away. And I couldn't.
I remember having purple blankets as a child, and opening the curtains to watch the stars wrapped in my blanket, because I was scared of the dark and what it brought. (We didn't have lights on or a night light).
When I've said things before, about dad, my mum grew more and more distant, and she made hurtful comments, I felt like I was family-enemy no/1. She didn't believe me, and she didn't want to believe me, she made a point of discussing their sex life and how bad it was. And how bad dad's childhood was and the fact that they have to live in the neighbourhood-so basically I had to shut it.
The whole thing was horrible, I felt alone beyond alone. I would rather have apologised to dad, (Infront of mum). For lying and spend days crying, then let things go the way that they were going, and so thats what I did. For my mum... And I just wont go down that road again. (No mum, no police no nothing), But I need to heal and I don't know where to properly begin Self injury is something I struggle with, I find it hard not to, I hair pull, and cut/scratch etc. The most recent was the hair pulling I haven't done the other for a few weeks now. The thing is dad used to pull my hair, he'd pulled me upstairs by it more then once, and he pulled it at other times, I dont remember any coming out, but I remember it feeling like my scalp was going to come off and it hurt... I do pull it out or try to break it part way when I get upset and angry with myself, I have also virtually shaved it with a depressive bout, I guess my hair is just there esp when I'm mad.
I really need to know where to begin and what to do (I'm in the UK).
ANSWER: ML,
My heart was breaking for you as I read this. You’ve gone through so much and the nightmares and flashbacks are common (I know that’s not a comfort for you). Also you have some triggers, like the sheets and the hair pulling. All of these can be addressed and worked through with specialized counseling. The alcohol and self injury is what we call a coping mechanism, and these can become bigger issues, that need to be addressed first sometimes if stabilization is a factor.
Here is a list of things that anyone who’s been a victim can face.
Some physical effects:
• vaginal bleeding or infection
• fibroids
• decreased sexual desire
• genital irritation
• pain during intercourse
• chronic pelvic pain
• urinary tract infections
• sexual dysfunctions
• NES
• Body Memories
Emotional effects:
~ Self blame (lack of motivation to seek care, lack of empathy, cutting themselves off from people, anger, and aggression).
~ Life long depression
~ Self injury, self mutilation
~ Borderline Personality Disorder
~ Antisocial Personality Disorder
~ PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder)
~ Flashbacks
~ Psychotic Reality Breaks (Dissociations and or depersonalization)
~ Alcoholism
~ Substance Abuse
~ Promiscuity
~ Celibacy
~Prostitution
~ Inability to form intimate relationships
~ Self Hate
~ Guilt
~ Anger
~ Emotional hypersensitivity
~ Defensiveness
~ Lifelong inability to trust others
~ Emotional Numbness
~ Attraction to partners who are aggressive and abusive.
~ Metal deterioration and loss of IQ
~ Co-dependency
I do not know a lot about the help available overseas. But here’s a link. http://www.rainn.org/get-help/sexual-assault-and-rape-international-resources
this is where you can look and get a start at healing and recovering from your horrible abuse.
I wish you all the best,
Kim
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: What I didn't say I had a stillborn son at 13, a daughter at 16 and another daughter at 17 and a son too. I have all my children with me and they are worth fighting this every inch, I love them very much - if you'd like I can get back in touch at a later date. thank you for the message and links *hugs ~Louise.
Answer Louise,
It takes such great courage to be a mom aside from your pain. I am sure that you do love them and they deserve that love just as much as you do.
I'd love to hear form you at a later date or if you want to before.
