AboutKim Expertise I am a survivor. I know what it’s like to be the victim. I am now a Sexual Assault Victim’s Care Advocate. I have been certified as such since November 2000. I am currently a student who is specializing in trauma and abuse and the associated disorders and illnesses.
Experience I am a survivor. So, I not only have book smarts but, personal experience with what rape is and how much it affects the victim and his or her loved ones.
Expert: Kim Date: 7/20/2008 Subject: My girlfriend was raped and I have trouble handling it all
Question I need all the help that I can get. This may be quite long, so I hope you could bear with me.
My situation is a complicated story. Even I find it too complicated to deal with.
I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years next month. My girlfriend is my first and we’ve been together since college. I’ve known that I liked her since the first time I saw her walk in the door. Back then, she was involved with another guy (her 1st boyfriend). Eventually they broke up and I had my chance to being close to her. We started talking and getting real close as friends. Soon enough she found comfort in me and confided in me for personal things. Later I found out that he was harsh on her physically. That’s the reason why I saw her several times on campus crying her way into the toilet with her girl friends.
So, we got together, and before we went on to our first year, she told me that he was very abusive with her physically. It was hard and hearth wrenching and most of all I was angered like never before when I found out. He took advantage of her situation. Her parents were going through a rough time and in the verge of fighting all the time. There were times that he was taking care of her, her mom, and her siblings coz their dad was violent. In these times, she was desperate. He gave her money, food, and love (at les according to her). But, on the other hand, she was unconsciously abused. According to her stories, there were times when he would get her naked, tie her hands at her back, and let her lie down his car’s backseat. Sometimes, he would bring her to his room at his house, get her naked, let her shower and he’d just watch. I even got to the point that I figured out that he does sexual things to her against her will. Imagine all the sick things you could think of, he did it to her. But at this point, he hasn’t forced her to have sex with him yet.
At that point, I was devastated. Did not know what to do. Whenever I see the ex, I’d get furious. But I could not let anyone else know that I knew coz it would be a big issue and it would humiliate her. So I have kept it in myself. I’ve had internal conflicts because of this. Should I get mad, confront the guy, etc. I don’t know anymore!
Since then, we’ve had spontaneous confrontations, and none of them were good.
Since their break up, they have had constant contact with each other even when we are already together. She’s always told me that he was just under the influence of drugs or alcohol, or that he was just sexually driven. She told me that after numerous time of him doing that to her, she got used to it and did not say no to him anymore.
I’ve told her so many times that she’s been brainwashed by him and influenced by him. It came to the point too that he told her that no one will ever love her once they find out about what he did to her. I found out about it and I loved her more.
Since then, I have always been pestered and annoyed by his presence, considering his presence as the third wheel in our relationship. She claims that she finds comfort in him that I could never provide her.
I got to the point that all I was thinking about was this guy’s horrible acts to my gf. 70% of my time was towards this.
Until recently, something happened to her that is beyond words.
I went to a bachelor’s party of a friend getting married. I did not ell her about it coz I know it would spark a fight. So I went, but I am loyal to her. Reason why I went? To be with friends, that’s all. I did not do anything stupid, didn’t watch the strippers, just talked to friends with a drink in my hand. A week after, my friend accidentally sent email of the party’s pics with me to her. She saw it and got furious. She thinks I cheated on her with the whores. I would never do that. So many things happened between us after that. Until…
We were communicating though text. She approached her ex coz she thought he’d comfort her and all. They spent too much time together that she had to spend the night. Turns out, they stayed at his place talking. She was too tired crying and dozed off. She was awakened because he was removing her panties and on top of her. She said no, shouted for help. He forced her. Until blood was all over the bed sheets. According to her, she did not know if it he actually went in her. It was blurry to her. So, while he was in the toilet, she secretly sent me a text about what happened. I told her to get out and stay out so I could pick her up. She was afraid. She even told me that he told her when she wake up if they could have a round two! HOW COULD HE DO THIS TO MY BABY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I convinced her to get out. I picked her up. She could not go home because she had a hard tine walking. She said it was still hurting. So, for the next two days, I checked her in a hotel. I stayed there with her and apologized to death for what I did. I blamed myself. If I did not go to the party, it would not have happened to her. She too thought of it that way. Eventually, she started talking about it. She took pics on her cellphone of the blood on the sheets. It was a loooooooot. I was in denial. Could not believe it happened. I was in shock. I told her that she was raped. She could not accept it and kept on denying. She showed me pills that he gave her. Found out it were birth control pills. Those two days I took care of her. She had pain down there. She could not walk properly.
After two days, I took her home. Told her to talk to him and tell her that she realized what he did. She did. She avoided her for a while. But not for long. They started talking again. He apologized, and according to her, he made up for all of his mistakes already. I stopped and thought, where am I in this relationship? Who am I? Why does she see him as a good guy despite it all? There may be good in him, yes, but is it right for her to keep this contact with him? Until today, they treat each other as very good friends. I think that is even an understatement. She says she’s confused between me and him. She spends time with him too until now. I get so confused because I could not think of a reason how she could ride in his car and talk to him and look at his eyes when they talk. They even have a good time together laughing and enjoying together. She thinks that I have always barred her from seeing him and she hates that I do that. She says that it’s ruining our relationship because I am controlling her. On the other hand, she says that they are getting close again because h lets her do what she wants. He lets her spend time with me when she wants. Duh, why should she not. I am her boyfriend! Who the hell is her ex?! Why is he like this? Just this past week, I had to drop her off by the community gas station coz they were gonna meet up. I had to fathom the moment when she steps down my car and ride his car and speed away.
Sometimes, I just think that maybe I should just leave her and let her be with him. I always get furious because pf what he did to her. And when I do, she gets mad at me coz she says that I got obsessed with it already. How could I stay calm?!!! She still sees him and talks to him face to face and on the fone! What should I do? I don’t know anymore and I don’t know what to think. Is what I am feeling normal? Am I normal at least? I am lost! I know she got raped. But she acts as if nothing happened between them. Until now, I think he has a very powerful influence in her. I feel like Im a bad guy being unfair to her coz when they talk behind my back (and even when I am in front of her), she talks to her on the fone. In addition, I opened her email and saw mails between them. I saw I LOVE YOU’s, etc. I told her this. She told me she did this coz she knew I would open her mail and read her messages. She wanted to hurt me too after what I did to hurt her. Then later I asked her why she messaged him she lives her etc. She told me that she did it coz that’s what he wanted her to do. Im lost again. Don’t know what to do and think. You are the first person I have told about this. I badly need your help. Help about how to treat her (my gf) as a rape victim, and how I should treat myself (after I saw her treatment to her ex who raped her). Coz really, I am conflicted with myself right now. Im full of SHOULD I’s and SHOUD I NOT’s.
HELP PLEASE.
-Sebastian-
Answer Sebastian,
Wow, there’s a lot going on here. She is in great denial and it sounds like he’s a master manipulator. Some of what might be happening is a result of RTS (Rape Trauma Syndrome) www.uasasonoma.org/services/rts.html, among a lot of other things.
I think it’s very important that you know that this is not your fault. Please do not hold yourself responsible for what happened to her, you can not put your life on hold because she was raped. You were supporting her and helping her and were a wonderful boyfriend and I agree with you, she should be away from him. He seems very toxic and unsafe. But unfortunately you can’t force her to leave him. But you must protect yourself. She needs a lot of help. But again she has to want this and I don’t think she’s at that point. I would sit down and talk with her about how you are feeling and that you do not want her ex to be such a part of your relationship with her. Tell her how you feel. And I would agree that you should consider leaving this relationship to save yourself unless she’s willing to get the help that she needs.
