AboutKim Expertise I am a survivor. I know what it’s like to be the victim. I am now a Sexual Assault Victim’s Care Advocate. I have been certified as such since November 2000. I am currently a student who is specializing in trauma and abuse and the associated disorders and illnesses.
Experience I am a survivor. So, I not only have book smarts but, personal experience with what rape is and how much it affects the victim and his or her loved ones.
Expert: Kim Date: 7/17/2008 Subject: i need some guidence
Question Hi Kim. My name is mari. When I was 14, I was raped by an 18 year old friend that I knew and
trusted. I went over to his house to watch some movies. Being alone with him
didn't make me so nervous because he lived with his parents and I was under the
impression that they would be around. We laid on his bed because his TV was in
his room. Now when I say "lay on the bed," it sounds sketchy, but it wasn't at
all. I felt like I was laying next to my brother. But I guess he didn't feel the
same way. He casually started to get closer and almost like got on top of me. I
laughed and pushed him back thinking he was just being silly, but he wasn't.
Considering that I was 5'4" and 115 lbs, and he was 6'1" and I'm guessing
somewhere near 200 lbs, it wasn't a fair fight. He was very vicious and
aggressive. I cant remember a time where I was more frightened. But now its 2
years later and I have a great boyfriend. I have been with him for a year. He
has told me that he is no rush to have sex, but hes ready when I am. I told my
boyfriend about my experience before and he was very understanding. I want to
have sex with my boyfriend a lot because I love and trust him, but I seem to be
having some problems. All that we've done is kiss and cuddle because the second
he starts to move his hands below my waist I always jump back and get super
tense without meaning to. He tells me that everything is okay and reassures me
that hes not going to hurt me, but I just get so nervous. Inside I know that he
would never do anything to hurt me, but when were together I get these terrible
flashbacks to that horrid night 2 years ago. I think this is partially because I
haven't grown much in size and my boyfriend is over 6' tall and very strong,
reminding me of the guy who raped me. I know that he has the power to overtake
me, but I know he wont. But I cant help but thinking he will. Does that make any
sense? When were messing around he sometimes like playfully gets on top of me
and holds me down on the bed while being completely non-threatening. But instead
of seeing a loving boyfriend wanting to make me happy, all I see is that night. I am
sorry i wrote such a long story, but I have no idea what to do. I don't want to
go to counseling, to be honest, you and my boyfriend are the only people I've
told. I just want to know how I can get past this and why I cant just relax and
have a good time with the one I love. If you could please respond sooner rather
than later, I'd really appreciate it. I just can't take this fear inside of me
anymore. Thank you.
Answer Mari,
I am sorry I wasn’t able to write sooner.
I will do my best to help you, but I fear that this can not work without some deep counseling. Rape is very serious and it’s not just something you talk about and it’s goes away, and the healing and recovery can take years and years and lots of learning and relearning.
It sounds like you are having body memories, flashbacks, anxiety and panic problems, also there are some triggers here your boyfriend is about the same size.
You can have a normal sexual life. But I am guessing that when this happened to you, you were a virgin and therefore you didn’t know what a positive and loving sexual experience is therefore you have no way of knowing what’s normal. This is why I am strongly encouraging therapy. A therapist can help you not only work through and understand what happened, and what is likely still going to happen as you work through all this pain. But it will also help you understand your body so that you can have and form healthy and safe relationships.
Many times victims of rape will be become sexually active after a rape and they have sex, but they depersonalize or dissociate because emotionally they simply can not get past their abuse and trauma. They go out of their body and never have fulfilling sexual lives. With therapy they are able to work through the trauma and abuse so that they can stay present.
I know you said that you are not ready, and they you rather not talk to anyone. But, I fear what will happen if you don’t.
