Expert: Randolph Bleiwas - 1/10/2009

Question
My girlfriend and I broke up for six months.  When we got back together she told me she had sex with someone one time.  However, she would always tell me its not what you think.  This went on for two months and I was very depressed but I love her and have been trying hard to cope.  Then 3 weeks ago she told me it was rape and had been living in denial.  I just don't know what to believe and this is making me crazy.  I am 37 years old and seriously depressed, she seems pretty miserable as well.  Is this something common that a rape victim would do..i.e. tell there significant other they had consensual sex then later say it was rape.  She is a trustworthy person I am just so confused and hurt by everything and can't get out of my bed.  The thing is I just don't know how to change my thinking on the entire subject and wish she never told me anything or at least the truth from the beginning.  I am so confused and I just can't stop obsessing about it and I have suicidal thoughts about the entire situation.  Please help
I will give a more detailed description of everything if you think that would help, but in the meantime. I just want to know if you have ever heard of a rape victim doing this.  I guess sometimes I just think that she is telling me it is rape to ease my pain or try to make our relationship better, however its not like I am not terribly sad about her being raped.  I love her and if that did happen to her I still have alot of emotions about it.  In the end I just want to support her and be at peace with the truth.

Thanks for any insight you can provide,

Jeff

Answer
Yes Jeff I have heard it before. It is hard to deal with, and sometimes denial takes over. It prevents, at least for a time, having to react to it. The victims sometimes are so concerned for us men they love that they don't want to hurt us and try to protect us. Let her know, as I am sure you have, that you love her. Be there for her. Please go to therapy for yourself, by taking care of you you will be there for her. Then consider talking to her for therapy for her......
take care,
randy