AboutKim Expertise I am a survivor. I know what it’s like to be the victim. I am now a Sexual Assault Victim’s Care Advocate. I have been certified as such since November 2000. I am currently a student who is specializing in trauma and abuse and the associated disorders and illnesses.
Experience I am a survivor. So, I not only have book smarts but, personal experience with what rape is and how much it affects the victim and his or her loved ones.
Education/Credentials I am working on my Master's in Psychology specializing in trauma and abuse. I am in addition working on two associate degrees in Social Work and Women and Gender studies.
Question Hi,
Within the first 8 months of dating, my fiance got drunk and told me while crying hysterically that his step-brother "touched him and made him do other things". After a lot of questions, I discovered that his older step-brother raped him and also had sex with my fiance's sister (the rapist's step-sister). Step-mother on other side of family contacted my fiance's mom to report the sex between his step-brother and sister, but his mom did nothing. The abuse to my fiance continued for a time (details unknown as my fiance won't talk any more about it).
During our 4 year relationship I have seen how his entire family uses him as the scape goat and continues to belittle him. We have consequently fought because he wants me to spend time with and love his family as I do my own. I can't do that. I also refuse to let our children (when we actually have them) stay at his parents' house, as his step-dad has kicked and punched my fiance countless times in front of mom, sister, step-brother as a child and nothing was done. I've approached the family about the physical abuse and they deny anything happened that was so drastic, but did say that if he was hit, it was "because he's the worst kid out there! You don't know what a bad kid he was! That's the only thing that worked! Weren't you horrible [my fiance]?" "Yeah, I was a bad kid."
I don't know how to move on. He has not sought help and says he is over it. In our latest discussion, he said "I think [step-brother] is an o.k. guy. I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to him".
I feel so angry. I see these people and it makes me want to vomit and hit them and lash out because they have done this to my fiance (who has developed drinking and drug habits since the age of 12).
Please help me. I don't understand why he feels this way about his family.
Thank you very much.
Answer Laura,
I am curious, does he feel some sort of obligation to his family. Is it really love or fear? Intense emotions when you’ve gone through as much as he has, can easily be confused. Does he understand his feelings and emotions and can he work through them and identify them and control them?
I would certainly advise counseling. Counseling could help bring out all of this abuse and help him see how he has lived his life and it can show him a better outlook on his future. It may not be until he starts therapy that his true emotions show.
Right now he has the drugs and alcohol that help him survive and cope; making his fight and past manageable.
Check on rainn.org for help in your area. Go to “get help” then go to “find a local counseling center”
I understand your anger and frustration. It’s justified and my friends felt the same way with me.
