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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Mental Health > Rape Counseling > Intimacy, PTSD, losing virginity to rape
Rape Counseling - Intimacy, PTSD, losing virginity to rape
Expert: Kim - 11/11/2009
Question
HI Kim
I am now in my 30s and my 1st boyfriend took my virginity in my teens without my consent. I made the mistake of hiding it... Through my 20s I talked myself into not being attractive enough for a relationship, after a couple other failed relationships (that were short term, no intimacy) I stayed single. I didn't get help until my early 30s when I was diagnosed with PTSD...Now my question is this: I met a very nice older man and we have begun the dating process but I am scared to admit my limited experience and from past experience I know some men aren't appreciative of a woman's lack of experience. I know if he cares for me he'll understand, but I lack trust issues from that first relationship way back when... I want this to work... I am not that same person, counseling did help, and just now I feel ready to be in a loving relationship. I am a good person who deserves to know what it feels like to be in love. I have learned to control my anxiety and panic attacks but I haven't been in any sort of intimate situation and am actually terrified of flashbacks...I guess this isn't an actual question just a lot of concern and worry... Any advise is appreciated Thank you
Answer
Your concern and worry are valid and normal after all that you’ve been through, of course. I think the first thing that needs to happen is to establish a trust with your new boyfriend. Once you’ve established this you can start to give him more and more pieces of yourself as you feel ready. Now, you may need more outside help, you may need to consider a sexual healing therapist that can help you find you, help you find yourself, help you learn who you are and what you like or don’t like, help you love yourself and feel comfortable with yourself, because this is essential to any healthy relationship. I can’t speak for your new boyfriend, but, inexperience isn’t in their eyes a must, nor is experience a must… I think and hope that if he is meant for you, he’ll be happy and love you experienced or inexperienced… you’ll grow together either way, if you want to and there too you’ll come to in time.
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