Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 11/1/2009

Question
Hi Dr. Sundar,

I was lonely earlier in my relationship and cheated on my partner.  He raped me thrice for it after finding out.  It hurt especially because he was my partner and he knew I had been raped by acquaintances two years before.  Two months ago, in a heated arguement he choked me with his hands and with a pair of my jeans.  I filed an informal police report against him and subsequently an Apprehended Violence Order was filed as well.  After the first court hearing, he persuaded me to remain with him and help him dismiss the Apprehended Violence Order in court.

We are now on a relationship hiatus after a fight that started on the issue of rape.  I felt judged and misunderstood, and somtimes I feel used; we've been able to remain together through the court process but now that the Apprehended Violence Order is dismissed, I feel like he's given up on me so I fear he used me only to his benefit.

I am re-evaluating the relationship, but I do think I still want to be with him.  Please help me;

-How do I deal with the guilt and shame that I feel about what happened to me?
-I have been having troubles keeping my temper under control especially after having been raped not so long ago by my partner, how can I help to keep myself in check?
-And how do I forgive my partner for what he has done to me?

Thank you so very much in advance for your help!
Kitty

Answer
Dear Kitty,

Peace be with you

I assure there is hope for a happy life for you

You say-

"I am re-evaluating the relationship, but I do think I still want to be with him.  Please help me;"

I  understand the affection love you have for him, however  what guarantee is there  that he will not turn violent  after a few months?

"-How do I deal with the guilt and shame that I feel about what happened to me?"

Human techniques for dealing with  guilt and   shame may not fully heal you. I suggest you to  start praying to God  every day-atleast one hour  of prayer  every morning requesting healing from God

-I have been having troubles keeping my temper under control especially after having been raped not so long ago by my partner, how can I help to keep myself in check?

I suggest the following

Regular exercises, vegetarian food, regular meditation, 10 hours of sleep every night, avoiding alcohol, cigarets fully and avoiding TV shows, movies that  project  violence, sex and other elements  that  is  unholy.

-And how do I forgive my partner for what he has done to me?
Pray for him every day.Once again, how do you  know, how sure are you that this is the  partner for your life.

Finally  what I say is-
Make   sure that this is the right partner  for you before you rush  up in  to  conclusions and decisions

Have  a  nice  day