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You are here: Experts > Health/Fitness > Mental Health > Rape Counseling > Sexual assault years ago in grade school from 3rd-5th
Rape Counseling - Sexual assault years ago in grade school from 3rd-5th
Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 11/6/2009
Question
QUESTION: Please excuse the long post and the explanation being a bit all over the place... i'm not sure how to go about saying this aloud and I never have really before, not in detailed terms and to only a few. I am not sure how detailed I should be on here either... When I was in grade school from 3rd-5th, I was repeatedly sexually assaulted by a boy my age. I preemptively knew something bad might happen before it all started. A friend warned me (whose family was friends with his) that he (who I did not know at the time) was going to "**** me whether I wanted to or not" were his words she repeated. The next monday at school things began. It started with him cornering me at the door when leaving class. I was the last, as my friend had pointed him out earlier and I saw him waiting there(he was in another class), I went to the door and I couldn't pass by without brushing against him. I was not a person to cry and when i got to the door... I can still remember how he looked at me and somewhere in me I knew what she said was going to come true though i didn't really understand entirely, I knew what sex was and female friends and I had experimented with one another to a small degree for a long while at that point, but I started crying. The teacher was still in the room and called us over, demanding to know from him what he did as I was not one to cry over anything, she asked me but all i could say was nothing... because nothing had happened yet. After a bit she then let me go out first and made him remain there until i got away.
After that, the same day maybe the next day but somewhere around there it had started with him pushing me to the ground, telling me he'd do this to my other friends if i said anything and being desperate for that not to happen, I didn't. I struggled every time, but i couldn't get away. He would sit on my thighs usually and hold my wrists above my head. I'd yell for help but nothing happened... once later on at one of the times of this, I remember two girls looking my way as I yelled for them to help me, but i stopped when i realized they just looked confused... He would put his hands all over me, up my shirt (i had developed early on), down my pants, kiss me, my neck, choke me, hurt me just to see my reaction. Eventually he became more bold and penetrated me with his fingers and rocking against me, whispering things and telling me i would do what he says that i belong to him or he'd hurt me... that now I realize a kid that age shouldn't have even had a clue about, but I knew a lot of things I shouldn't either and I guess I didn't realize the abnormality at the time until reflecting on it in the last few years.
In the beginning my friend who had warned me about him would usually find us (we were rarely in a very discreet spot and that angers me now realizing a staff member should have noticed. Though only thing one ever did was pull us apart and send us different directions) and she would pull him off of me, kicking him and then hitting him telling him to leave me alone, she'd help me up and then help me get away. he wouldn't chase after me if I was with her (as I always ran from him after that first time) a two-three months, that at the time I always remembered as many many more months and more recently found out it was just 2/3) my friend moved away. Her families house had sold. Things became much worse after that. For some reason i could never hit him to get away, i'd struggle yes and scrape at the ground trying to get away, run... beg him, but whenever I could have done that I couldn't it felt as though I couldn't move and it was hard enough trying to breath as it was with him near me.
Things became worse and 3rd grade let out, I remember feeling exstatic that summer was ahead and I wouldn't be at school. Near him at all. I was signed up for a day camp and the first day, I came in and my parent had just left and I looked to the table ahead.... he was there and then became aware of me standing there. I bolted for the door outside where most of the kids were - as one of the staff there had already mentioned they were just finishing lunch or snack or something, i dont remember what. He had given me that look I can still remember, that he always seemed to have. It always felt like he was laughing through his eyes at my despair, i knew was, he had told me before that he liked to watch me in pain and crying. He said something once about liking that he was the only one who could make me cry.
I don't remember much else about that summer, just fragments of the same things.
Fourth grade began and I admit I cant remember much of it, other than it was worse and a few major things. I remember once he had threatened me and made me follow him up to a secluded place from the rest of recess. His hand latched to my wrist, always tugging me back as I tried to run. Eventually i gave up, though i kept looking for a way out, and continued up to the secluded place. A few of my other friends, who didn't know what was going on, but knew our other friend always tried to keep him away from me were up there talking. He told me to tell them to leave or once again he would do the same thing to them and it would be all my fault. I remember them asking me why i was with him, as he was no longer holding my wrist and i just asked them to leave. They asked if i was sure a few times and i said that I was that i was fine... I remember watching the last leave back out of sight and feeling frightened, i tried to run then and he grabbed me and pushed or something i cant quite remember but i remember him threatening again and i seem to remember he had brought knife of some sort as I write this and had pulled it from his pocket enough to see it - one of those ones that pulls open (i know he had once, but i cant remember if that was when or not it blurs together now) I remember him telling me to take off my clothes. I refused at first, embarressed and something I remember frightened me, but i dont know what I think the knife but i'm not sure... the last I remember of it was pulling off my shirt and reaching for my pants. I remember at the end of whatever happened, him telling me to wait a bit before coming in so no one asked why we were together. After that I remember waking up there or i guess what i remember as waking up, but i think it was rather finally being able to move. I dont recall when I got my clothes back on, just that they were rather ruffled as I made my way back in. By the time i did class had been in session a half hour. I could barely walk, it felt like I couldn't and i remember feeling myself on the verge of crying, screaming anything, so i hurried to the bathroom in my area of the school near my class.
I remember trying to calm myself, scared and everything. I used the bathroom as I felt something wet and I dont recall myself even having underwear at that point and seem to recall him taking them back where we had been. When I looked at the toilet paper there was blood after I had used it and I remember, even now, for a split second I was more frightened than I could imagine. Then I realized I must have started my period. (i didn't know you could bleed or that it would hurt the first time of sex at that point in time), cleaned myself up and tried to calm down some more. I went class and stumbled in and it was about a half hour after class had begun. The teacher asked me if I was alright and that i was white as a sheet. She asked if I was at the nurses office and If i was coming to get my things and I said no, muttering that I was in the bathroom. She asked me if I was alright and I remember other kids looking me and a few near me mentioning that i looked like i was going to vomit. I said i was fine, i remember feeling out of it and just walked to my seat. Repeating again to the teacher i was fine as she asked again. After a bit, and I guess a reputation of being stubborn was part of it, the teacher dropped it and went back to teaching class. I don't remember very much more about fourth grade at all, just that it continued like that every day after.
I cant remember if it was the end of fourth grade or the end of summer that I found out he was moving away. I remember not even believeing it and whether it was the start of 5th grade or the end of fourth, after i had been told by someone though i dont remember whom, that he had moved and i then went to his teacher...and asked if it was true. She told me yes and I left quickly, I remember being in a state of shock. I didn't believe it even then, but I look back on it now and i am suprised i didnt feel more relief than i did. Instead I remember feeling more like a wreck, unsure of how to even proceed.
I tried telling a couselor once who i was seeing as my at home life was bad as well, but in a different way. My father was an alcoholic who was violet towards me and my siblings, sreaming and fighting was often and a mother who said she loved him more than us and to basically keep quite about it, though she did allow me to attend counseling at school. The counselor was not exactly a good person either. I remember trying to tell him and he said that wasn't what we were there to talk about. He also used to touch me, though in a more subtle manner... massaging my legs as he looked for bruises and only stopping when I made a comment about the jeans couldn't go up farther as he was nearing my thighs. As usual, he stopped returned to his desk and seemingly did paperwork saying to leave our session was over. Which was usually how he did things. After that I remember only telling really one of my friends, who had problems of her own, but i only ever spoke of it in very vague detail. Ever since I have never spoke of it in detail, to myself at times more recently, but for a long time I couldn't even talk about it outloud to myself without getting overly upset and not being able to continue talking.
My husband knows of vague details, and even to him that i tell everything too and him me, I have never been able to really get the words outloud other than in vague details and again only to 2-3 people ever.
I often find times where I think about all the time, other times its every few weeks or months sometimes, but usually I think about him more than I think is probably healthy. I find myself sickened at times when the memory pops up while being intimate, I regretably orgasm almost from the thought during those situations and usually they are morphed into picturing it happening while being adults as though it is happening all over again, while other times it either makes me sad,crying on the rare occasion from the memory or my body aroused though i dont really 'feel' that way myself, if that makes any sense?
To add to things, when I was 15 a very close male friend of mine broke into my home with three friends when he thought i would be there alone for a few weeks. At the last minute I had left for the few weeks as well, so I was not home. We got a call when we were back from the police. He had stolen some music, etc but nothing of any value and it was obvious it was just as an after thought to do so, but most of all underwear is what he stole and it had been found to be masturbated with when he was caught and through rumors and whispers from others who talked to them it was obvious what they had planned to do. We never spoke after that and years later he commited suicide.
I'm not sure what I am asking here. I think I just want another's thoughts on it. For years I wondered if I could really call what happened in grade school rape as the memories were so mixed together and hard to remember and I guess I just need confirmation the pain was real, not just something I dwell on too much or put too much thought into.
ANSWER: Dear Anoine,
I am happy about your long letter.That gave me an understanding of your situation.
I would like to know your age, profession , culture and any other personal details from your side.I also would like to know your specific expectation on you contacting me for guidance.Once I get this I will be able to guide you.
Have a nice day
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: 23, happily married, part time employed in the web design and maintence field, full time wife and mother through adoption to a wonderful 6 year old. Culture wise I am not religious in the slightest in reference to a god, though I do feel something controls a part of things - whether that is good or not is a debatable feeling for me. I do believe in reincarnation and karma. I keep my mind open to all possibilities, but am strong in my beliefs. Overall I am extremely happy with my life now and would do it all again if it meant to feel as I do now. I suppose my questioning is more of how to 'close' that part of my life that was unbearable and move past constantly thinking of it.
Answer
Thank you that you made my answering easy.
If you believe or not God exists and God cannot be confined to any religion.I say this after my intense study on Hindu , Christian and other religious faiths.
My suggestion to you is not to believe in religion but on God.
Once you establish a relationship with God through daily, diligent prayers,all the past hurtful feeling will vanish without any effort.
Have a nice day
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