Expert: Dr.Sunu Sundar - 6/16/2009

Question
Hello,
I am writing to you because I am not sure what else to do. I was raped 4 years
ago and went to counseling until my therapist thought I was ready to manage
on my own.

When my now husband and I had been dating for about 6 mts, he began to
catch on that some sort of trauma had occurred in my past. He stressed to me
that he did not care about what happened in the past, or, rather, the "old" me,
but, rather, the "new" me is what he cared about. For mts I struggled with
wether or not I should tell him, because he sounded like he did not want to
hear. Eventually I gave him the short version of it, and he cried and said he was
glad I told him. Occasionally we speak about it if something related comes up.

We have been married for 7 mts and I am starting to notice that I am not
comfortable with sex. I tried to talk to him about it and tell him how I felt like
sex is wrong (even though I know it is not) and that I am not comfortable with
myself sexually. He told me that that is a personal problem and has nothing to
do with him and that it is not his fault. I am embarrassed that I told him how I
felt about sex.

He has also said that I should have told him about my "issues" before we got
married. He feels like I tricked him. I have explained to him that I thought I
did my part by telling him I was raped. I did not know that later down the road
I would have sexual issues, because in the beginning of our relationship I did
not have these issues. We both acknowledge that I got the better end of the
deal in our marriage, and I feel horrible about it. I don't know that he fully
understands what it is like to recover from rape. Maybe it is because I watered
the story down for him? I did not mention the sodomy, ect. I am writing to you
because I do not know how to cope with the guilt I feel. I thought talking to
him would make me feel better, but I feel much worse after talking to him
about it.

Thank you for your time.


Answer
Dear Rachel,

Peace be with you.

Aversion  to sex is  one of the  typical  consequences of rape.But you  need not  worry about  it , because  you  can  be  made well soon.Also,  it  is  best that you choose to approach a  psychologist  rather than  pouring  your   issues to  your husband, which will make  matters worse.

Problem will start dissolving once you  are free from this aversive feeling towards sex. Till then try your best  not  to leave your  husband  sexually starving.

With regard to  your inner healing, you may visit a  local counselor.

OR

I  shall help you  provided  you write to me the  details of the rape, your family background, your childhood experiences, and  about  your teen age life

You may contact me  also through placladoc@yahoo.co.in

Have  a nice day