Expert: Kelli - 6/23/2009

Question
Hi there, i have a current problem that i hope you can help me with.
When i lost my virginity i was raped i was 15 and at a party and there was too much alcohol involved. Since this experience several reacurances have happened.
I have been involved in lesbian love making, threesomes, gang bangs with 5 men or more at the time, affairs and cheating. When i was 22 i was raped again in my own bed again substance abuse was a main cause. Then when i was 23 i went out for the night and remember waking up in a strange house and i know id had sex the night before. I think i managed throughout my life not respecting myself and dissregarding sex and just allowing my self to have no strings attatched sex.
I have recently been seeing a guy who is amazing and from the start i told him EVERYTHING. We have a few issues with sex and me thinking that he was the same as every other man, cheating lieing and untrustworthy but we have managed to improve this and my sex drive has returned after a few cousolling sessions. Thing is now i think ive told him too much he still thinks i might have the capability to be how i was, to cheat and live a double life and i want nothing but hence finally finding the man i want to spend my life with i worry i may have damaged our relationship by being too honest. please help we're nearly at breaking point.
Kind regards x

Answer
If he is the man that you say and think he is,
then he will be patient with you.
He may be scared of getting his heart broken by you.
Have you considered allowing him to join you in one of your counseling sessions?  That way you could have an open conversation about both of your feelings and fears-- yours that you told too much and he'll always hold it against you and his that you will hurt him-- with a trained professional who can referee the discussion.  Also, it may help him to hear from you and your therapist that you don't want that life of personal destruction anymore which is why you are in therapy.  Sometimes people don't realize how much damage all of those incidents do to our minds and hearts.  Sometimes people don't realize that the sexual acting out wasn't really about sex.  These are things that he may benefit from learning about.

Please don't feel bad for telling the truth.  
I don't believe that there's a lot of good that comes out of lying by omission.  And things have a way of coming out, anyway.  So, maybe it's better that you were honest and that way he can hold your hand as you walk through the process of healing.  

Be patient with him.  He may just be scared and needing some serious reinforcement that you love him and want to be with him and only him.  Good luck to you both.