Expert: Kelli - 6/16/2009

Question
QUESTION: -Is this molestation- an uncle kissing their 6 yr oldniece in the stairwell on their neck/face..

-A brother(9yr) playing truth or dear with a sister(7yr) but the dears r asking her to expose herself to him and he to her and also to the boy next door?

- a 14yr old girl unkowning what's being done being fondeled by a 14yr old boy


ANSWER: Molestation, generally means when a minor child has been fondled, caressed, or touched-- or been coerced to touch or fondle someone else in a sexual manner.  

An uncle kissing his niece on the face or a big smack on the neck can be completely harmless and not considered molestation.  HOWEVER, if it is inappropriate, if the child feels uncomfortable, if the kissing is forced, if it's secretive,... that could be a problem.

A 9 year old boy asking his 7 year old sister to expose herself to him and his friend is very inappropriate.  Is it abuse? Usually, for incidents to be classified as molestation, the children's ages are far enough apart to fairly determine that the older child knew what he was doing was wrong and understood the consequences.  

A 14 year old girl being fondled by a 14 year old boy, unknowingly, again, is a problem.  Is it considered molestation or sexual abuse? Could be, without knowing more information, it's really hard to answer that question.

What concerns me more than these isolated events is why you are asking.  Do you feel that you have been sexually abused?  If so, it doesn't matter what the "book" says or what is or isn't technically labeled molestation.  What matters is how you feel.  What matters is the circumstances surrounding these events and the effects that this had on you growing up.  

To me, the label of molestation isn't as important as making sure that you are safe.  I would like to encourage you to talk with someone about the questions that you are having.  Find a trusted adult-- maybe your mom, a school counselor, a teacher, a Sunday school teacher, and talk about your questions and your feelings.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Oh im grown now..lolz im 19 but my next question is should I just let these issuses go and move on? like what was holding me back from forgiveing so just the label of molestation...but thanks for your time and a clear defination of what molestation is.

Answer
It isn't always easy to just let go and move on.
You may be finding it difficult to forgive because you still have feelings and emotions associated with these events that you haven't processed yet.
Or maybe because you feel that if you forgave,
that meant it was alright.  Like it didn't matter, or like it didn't effect you.  
I would encourage you to talk out these issues and the emotions that come up when you remember what happened.  
Be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself.
Right now, it's okay to just accept that this is where you are today.