About Kelli Expertise I can answer questions related to childhood rape and sexual abuse and the effects of those experiences such as PTSD, chemical dependency, relationship conflicts, and coping strategies.
Experience I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
I have been a part of counseling, support groups, AMAC for years.
I have taken roles in peer support and peer counseling.
I am very well rehearsed in psychological therapy goals, roles, plans, and terms.
I worked in a Psychiatric Hospital for many years with Children, Teenagers, and Adults-- as well as Chemical Dependency.
I have been trained in and can perform psychological assessments.
Education/Credentials I graduated from college to receive my Nursing Degree.
I am currently enrolled in a RN-BSN degree
which will continue into a Master's Degree program.
I have a technical school certificate as a Psychiatric Assistant.
Question i got raped when i was 8 years old im 17 right now and sometimes i have nightmares and i get in a
bad mood sometimes i dont know what to do i want the nightmares to stop
another part is that im confused about what i like sexually what a coincidence i think im gay and i
got raped
i like penises but not men if that makes sense i went out with a dude once and i kissed him but it felt
weird and awkward like its not meant to be it just felt like nothing just nothing like just skin
touching i didnt like that im really confused can you help?
ive never gone out with a girl because i think im gay i dont like vaginas even though i never tried it
before and ive never kissed a girl should i try going out with a girl and see how it goes or what
should i do
i try and try to look for answers but i haven't found anything yet
and..... when i got raped i didnt try to fight him or anything he just told me to touch him and i did
it he told me to bend lower and i did it i didnt fight back or try to stop him. he said to me your
father left you but i can act like you father and help you become a man for some reason i trusted
him so he took me to his room to play video games and he put his pants down and he got my hand
and made him touch him
i remember saying to him this doesn't feel right he said go a head kiss my penis i said no he said its
easy and he kissed mine to show me that i can do it and i didnt kiss it anyway
he was my neighbor i use to go to his house allot and on day he did that to me when i was nine he
tried again it was a party outside so no one was inside that house i wanted to go to the bathroom
and he was in there he said that to come in anyway because he was just washing his face (i didnt
know why i still trusted him) so i went in and he pulled out his penis out and told me to hold it and
kiss so hold his penis and kissed it right now im wondering why i still did that
and for some reason i cant remember anything when i was young but i can remember when i got
raped and i cant get it out of my head
ive only told one person about this and he said that i should tell people and talk about it
that doesnt help because right now my brain is just remembering what happened 9 years ago
can you give me some advise i need help
Answer Hi, Edgar. I am so sorry that you had to go through all of that. I don't know if I can help, but I'd like you to know that you are not alone.
You are still processing everything that you experienced. Right now, you don't have to decide if you are gay or straight. Right now, you don't have to figure out if you want to go out with a man or a woman. Be patient with yourself. Right now, you are still processing what happened. That's what the nightmares are probably about. And you may not be able to remember other childhood memories because these memories are so vivid and powerful. Down the road, as your healing starts to take place, you may recover other childhood memories. Like I said, please be patient with yourself.
What happened was not your fault. Even though you followed him into a room, or didn't scream, or cry and shout, it is not your fault. You were just a child. This was not your fault! You cannot go back through time with an older, wiser, and more mature mind and try and figure out why you did this or that. A thousand different emotions and thoughts goes through a child's mind when he or she is being sexually abused. The goal of a child, in that moment, is just to survive it. Plus, children don't understand the implications of a single act and how it will effect them forever. Please be kind to yourself. It happened unfortunately, and now you have to come to terms with it, cope with it, and heal from it.
The best thing would be, as I advocate often, to find a good therapist that you can talk to about everything. Someone to help you go through the process of what happened and the impact that it has had on your life. Someone who you can vent to and cry with. Someone who can help you as you move forward with your life.
Edgar, be kind to yourself. You don't have to figure it all out today. You don't have to label yourself. Because of your experience, your sexuality may be more confusing. Maybe you would have been gay had this never happened to you. Maybe not. Maybe that after you find some healing you will be able to distinguish between what happened and your preferences. This is your life and if you can find a good therapist, you can have someone to walk along side of you as you figure it all out. Just be kind to yourself and have patience. You are not alone. There are so many other people who have gone through what you have gone through, who have struggled the way that you are struggling.
You are not alone. Hang in there.
