About Kelli Expertise I can answer questions related to childhood rape and sexual abuse and the effects of those experiences such as PTSD, chemical dependency, relationship conflicts, and coping strategies.
Experience I am a survivor of childhood sexual abuse.
I have been a part of counseling, support groups, AMAC for years.
I have taken roles in peer support and peer counseling.
I am very well rehearsed in psychological therapy goals, roles, plans, and terms.
I worked in a Psychiatric Hospital for many years with Children, Teenagers, and Adults-- as well as Chemical Dependency.
I have been trained in and can perform psychological assessments.
Education/Credentials I graduated from college to receive my Nursing Degree.
I am currently enrolled in a RN-BSN degree
which will continue into a Master's Degree program.
I have a technical school certificate as a Psychiatric Assistant.
Question I was raped when I was 20; I am 22 now. I met the guy through a friend and we started dating. I was repeatedly raped but at the time it didn't click. We never did anything but have sex. Everything we did let to sex and I was not drinking, at all ever with him. I said no but he didn't listen to me. I felt like I was frozen and could not move. During one instance, he asked his roommate if he could go to a friend's for the weekend. Additionally, he would touch me and when i tried to peel his fingers away he would immediately fight and continue touching. Then he would take my hand and touch his genitals and like wrapped my hand around and like directed me how to touch. When I peeled my hand away and tried to move it out of his pants, he immediately shoved it downwards until he felt he was done. Sometimes it would start as a massage (basic shoulder, I said ok to that), and then the next thing I knew he peeled my underwear off and gave me oral sex until I orgasmed. I felt like I was having a panic attack and froze up and he was like "just close your eyes and feel". But I don't know if it really was a panic attack, or if it was just my body's responding to orgasm. He used slang terminology to refer to body parts and sometimes he would have me sit above his face to give me oral sex and like he would hold my legs still so I wouldn't wobble; so like I couldn't move to escape. And if I could escape, I couldnt go anywhere since I was at his school (my friend also was there too, but she was always typing up a paper while this was happening). I was basically trapped.
I didn't really have a support system. I told my friend and she basically felt guilty bc she was typing papers so she had no idea what was going on. I tried to tell another friend but she wasn't emotionally available.
As effects, I feel like I can't makes friendships; like I push people away. I feel very jumpy, my social anxiety is worse. My drinking is way worse. I can't sleep well (haven's slept deeply or well since dec), easily startled (loud tv volume) But also, the thought of sex grosses me out. I awoke a few days ago to my parents having sex (i just heard moans)and I felt like I wanted to scream and run away. Just thinking about sex in general disgusts me and makes me want to run away. Could it be the fact that I was forced to touch his genitals and he directed me and wouldn't let me move my hand? the fact that he touched me and if I peeled away he fought back?
Are these normal effects? Why am I that disgusted by sex?
please help me.
Answer Honestly, yes, it's a pretty normal reaction after going through what you have gone through.
You were forced to have sex when you didn't want to. You were forced to have sex when you weren't comfortable. When you said no or tried to pull away, you weren't listened to. You trusted someone who betrayed your trust and used your trust against you. There isn't a "normal" response to that situation. Sure, on TV, they say run away, scream for help, fight for your life. That's not always realistic. When it's someone you know, you are in shock. Is this really happening? What do I do? And you freeze. There's a part of you that shuts down. The part of you that doesn't want to accept that this is really happening and it's the part of you that goes into self-protecting mode.
There's something that I want you to know that a lot of people don't know or understand. You may feel betrayed by your body. Like, if I didn't want it, didn't like it, why did I orgasm? How could I have had an orgasm? Well, the answer is this. The orgasm is the body's normal response to stimulation. Doesn't matter that you were in fear, that you were being raped, the body gave it's response. There can be so much guilt tied up in that. A response to stimulation does not mean that you consented.
The fact that the idea of sex disgusts you now, is understandable. When you think of sex, those thoughts, feelings, and memories come flooding back. You aren't associating sex with intimacy, love, or kindness. You associate sex with manipulation, force, powerlessness, fear, and so much more. Until you can get help with healing from the rape, you may not be able to separate the difference between a loving sexual intimate relationship and the awful rapes you experienced.
The other things that you are experiencing, like the inability to form friendships, the startle response to loud noises, etc. are all equally understandable. Some women are diagnosed with PTSD after being raped. I'm not saying that's what is going on with you-- only a psychiatrist or doctor can say that. However, it's important for you to know that these responses are related to:
Trust. Not being able to make friendships can be closely related to the betrayal of trust by the man who raped you and also by the fact that there were other people around who didn't help you. I'm not saying it was your friend's fault. Not at all. But I'm saying that psychologically, you may feel like you can't trust people who may even unknowingly place you in danger. Right now, you may not be able to risk it.
The fight or flight response is sometimes delayed. You aren't in shock anymore, but you have been traumatized. Your instincts are in high alert for danger. You may even find it hard to relax. Is that the reason why you have difficulty sleeping? Are you drinking more to help you relax? That's pretty common, too.
The best thing I can recommend for you to do is to seek counseling from a trained professional who has experience dealing with women who have been sexually assaulted. Therapy can help you work through what you need to so that you can develop positive relationships with friends and help you relax so that your drinking does not become a problem. And so much more. Waiting to get help just puts aspects of your life on hold. Unfortunately, things don't just go away on their own.
By telling you that these responses are common doesn't mean that your situation isn't unique. An individualized treatment plan for you can help you deal with your circumstances. But I hope that you know that you are not alone. This was not your fault. And I wish you peace, Alison. And healing.
