AboutKim Expertise I am a survivor. I know what it’s like to be the victim. I am now a Sexual Assault Victim’s Care Advocate. I have been certified as such since November 2000. I am currently a student who is specializing in trauma and abuse and the associated disorders and illnesses.
Experience I am a survivor. So, I not only have book smarts but, personal experience with what rape is and how much it affects the victim and his or her loved ones.
Education/Credentials I am working on my Master's in Psychology specializing in trauma and abuse. I am in addition working on two associate degrees in Social Work and Women and Gender studies.
First off, I have asked this question to 2 other experts and none of them have gotten back to me in three days, so I decided to ask you because you are timely and give good advice.
"I was raped when I was 20; I am 22 now. I met the guy through a friend and we started dating. I was repeatedly raped but at the time it didn't click. We never did anything but have sex. Everything we did let to sex and I was not drinking, at all ever with him. I said no but he didn't listen to me. I felt like I was frozen and could not move. During one instance, he asked his roommate if he could go to a friend's for the weekend. Additionally, he would touch me and when i tried to peel his fingers away he would immediately fight and continue touching. Then he would take my hand and touch his genitals and like wrapped my hand around and like directed me how to touch. When I peeled my hand away and tried to move it out of his pants, he immediately shoved it downwards until he felt he was done. Sometimes it would start as a massage (basic shoulder, I said ok to that), and then the next thing I knew he peeled my underwear off and gave me oral sex until I orgasmed. I felt like I was having a panic attack and froze up and he was like "just close your eyes and feel". But I don't know if it really was a panic attack, or if it was just my body's responding to orgasm. He used slang terminology to refer to body parts and sometimes he would have me sit above his face to give me oral sex and like he would hold my legs still so I wouldn't wobble; so like I couldn't move to escape. And if I could escape, I couldnt go anywhere since I was at his school (my friend also was there too, but she was always typing up a paper while this was happening). I was basically trapped.
I didn't really have a support system. I told my friend and she basically felt guilty bc she was typing papers so she had no idea what was going on. I tried to tell another friend but she wasn't emotionally available.
As effects besides everything I told you before such as I can't makes friendships; like I push people away. I feel very jumpy, my social anxiety is worse. My drinking is way worse. I can't sleep well (haven's slept deeply or well since dec), easily startled (loud tv volume) the thought of sex grosses me out. I awoke a few days ago to my parents having sex (i just heard moans)and I felt like I wanted to scream and run away. Just thinking about sex in general disgusts me and makes me want to run away. Could it be the fact that I was forced to touch his genitals and he directed me and wouldn't let me move my hand? the fact that he touched me and if I peeled away he fought back?
Are these normal effects? Why am I that disgusted by sex?
ANSWER: Alison,
Yes, it is normal to have these sorts of symptoms and responses. The drinking, the easily alarmed, disgusted with sex and so on are all normal responses and certain things trigger these affects to be worse.
Some become disgusted with sex, because they actually orgasm and they don’t understand that. They don’t understand that, they know that they don’t want it so why is their body doing that, and so there’s guilt and with guilt comes disgust.
Have you started therapy? These feelings are things that can be worked through, and you can heal and you will, and it won’t be disgusting, and noise won’t send you over the edge, and you won’t be so fearful of relationships, OK?
Hang in there and try to work on getting into therapy, OK?
Kim
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QUESTION: Hi again Kim,
I have found an art therapist who I go to weekly. I drew out the rape for her as well as wrote about it so when I saw her, she could read and then we'd talk about it.
There seems to be other issues besides just the rape like my disability, my inability to meet people and my family problems. All of these happened before the rape so I guess the rape just made it worse.
When she asked me about it, after she looked at the drawing and read my write up, I felt really trembly and changed my position on her couch. I looked like I was curled up and felt shakey. She told me its better to get my feelings out than to drink them away, but if I feel like this all the time when discussing things?
Answer Your therapist is right. It is better to talk through your pain than it is to drink them away. It’s OK to be fearful of talking, but maybe you can journal and share your journal with her? You’ll slowly work through your fears and you’ll get more and more comfortable as you establish yourself with your therapist, OK?
