AboutKim Expertise I am a survivor. I know what it’s like to be the victim. I am now a Sexual Assault Victim’s Care Advocate. I have been certified as such since November 2000. I am currently a student who is specializing in trauma and abuse and the associated disorders and illnesses.
Experience I am a survivor. So, I not only have book smarts but, personal experience with what rape is and how much it affects the victim and his or her loved ones.
Education/Credentials I am working on my Master's in Psychology specializing in trauma and abuse. I am in addition working on two associate degrees in Social Work and Women and Gender studies.
Question When I was 17 , I was hanging out with a guy that I was good friends with. We drove around together a lot. But we'd just drive and talk. Well, one night he drove me out in the middle of nowhere, and up the side of a mountain, that even with 4 wheel drive, barely made it. Once up there I realized I had no idea where I was, or how to get back to town, and it was pitch black out by this point.
He started kissing me and I asked him to please take me back. He reached under his seat and pulled out a condom and started talking dirty. Saying I had a reputation, and all this stuff, which I was always a very quiet person, and rarely dated, and had barely even kissed a boy. Well, he started trying to pull me over the seat to the back seat. I tried my cell phone, but got no service. So I got out of the car, and immediately fell because of all the potholes I couldn't see. I again pleaded that he take me back. He told me that if I wanted to go back, I could either get in and give it up, or I could start walking. Then he started taunting me as he gained control, saying that he came from a good family, noone would ever believe me, and that he wouldn't let me ruin his life. If I started walking , he'd run me over with his truck. All the while gaining physical control over me. I don't remember much more after that point.
Here its been 5 years, and I am married. My husband knows about the incident, and although he was angry at first, he's made comments since almost mocking me for it.
The idea of sex makes me cringe. I get physically ill at the idea of sex. My husband is patient with me, but I don't want to not have a healthy sex life. I want to not only be able to please my husband, but vice versa.
Answer Sara,
First, let me say this, I think a conversation needs to take place with you and your husband. He needs to understand and be aware that his reactions and actions are hurting you. How are you to feel safe, secure, and sexual with someone that mocks you over something that happened to you that truly broke you?
Secondly, I would advise counseling both individually and as a couple. In individual counseling you’d work on what happened that night and its short term and long term affects on you. You will also work on sexual healing. This will help you rediscover or discover your sexual self and learn to be comfortable with that side of yourself, and it’ll help you also understand that it’s not a bad thing because your mind now associates it to so much pain. Couples counsel will help you work together as a couple to find a sexual side of safety, it will help your as partners work together, and it will also help your husband understand you and what you’ve been through.
Also, you may also find group support helpful. It’s always somewhat comforting to be able to surround yourself with people that have been where you are people that can relate to what you are feeling and they can offer help as to where to go from here.
I don’t know your location, but, you can always go to www.rainn.org go to “Get Help” then go to “Find a Local Counseling Center” put in your state and or zip code and the site will generate help in your area. You can also call them at 1-800-656-HOPE.
They also offer online help, via online chat.
