Expert: Kim - 7/1/2009

Question
A year ago, this month, i was raped. My drink was spiked and a friend of my boyfriend (now ex)raped me. It wasnt until a month later that i found out that a friend of mine and my ex included sexually assaulted me that same night. I didnt tell anyone until a week after the rape when my sister found my ECP under my bed, so havent got enough proof cus its 3 guys against 1 girls word, which makes it difficult to go to court with them.
Im basically having problems with getting over it, i dont want to be that person anymore. I dont want to feel dirty, upset and empty inside. Ive been diagnosed with anorexia from it, and depression and I hate how Im the victim of a dirty piece of work. I go to councilling but it still doesnt stop my pain and my suicidal thoughts. I just want to really know if theres any sites that allow me to talk on msn or something with another *recovered* rape victim who can help me through it and help me understand that 1. it wasnt my fault, 2. everything im experiencing is normal and 3. i have someone to talk to. I would call some hotlines, but my voice is something i have troubles with. I cant talk to people only write how im feeling cus i get scared.
Please help me! Cus i dont think i can take all of it anymore and dont want to end up doing something stupid.

Answer
Unknown Silence,

The name you’ve given yourself here says so much. First of all, I am happy to read that you’re in counseling. I am sorry to read that you’ve developed anorexia as a result. I certainly can tell you that none of what happened to you was your fault, but, does hearing that change anything? I think with work (in counseling) and some healing, in time you will learn, discover, and feel (even know) none of this was your fault.  I can’t say that everything you’re feeling is normal, because I feel uncomfortable saying that a person’s individual experience and their coping with it has a norm, everyone deals and heals uniquely; but I can say that much of what you say and feel is felt by many survivors. You certainly are NOT and will never be alone.  I think that you could find support even on Facebook, Yahoo groups, Livejournal- I personally have a journal there and the love and support and friends that I have made there has made every difference in the world to me. if you’re interested in something like that let me know and I will gladly walk you through that.  If you’d like I can extend my email to you, and we can chat via email (unfortunately, I don’t use instant messengers, simply because of time constraints) by you’re welcome to email me personally at Bymyself 25 at hotmail dot com. If you choose to do that please include your name (or Unknown Silence) in the subject field and say- allexperts. So that I see it and I won’t delete it.  

Anorexia is a serious illness, I know because I have struggled and I sadly have lost three friends and I have a very critically ill friend now that lives with the disease. Please stay on track with your therapy.

Best wishes in your recovery,
Kim