AboutLucille Zimmerman Expertise I can answer questions related to childhood sexual abuse, specifically the ways it negatively
impacts a person emotionally.
Experience For two years I have led a weekly support group for adult survivors of childhood sexual abuse.
Organizations American Association of Christian Counseling, American Psychological Association, EMDRIA
Publications Several newspaper articles. I am now working on a book with an agent.
Education/Credentials Master of Arts in Counseling
Awards and Honors Maintained a 3.95 GPA in graduate school
Past/Present Clients I have worked with clients who have Dissociative Identity Disorder (previously called multiple personality disorder) due to post-traumatic stress surrounding childhood sexual abuse. I have spent lots of time with this type of clientele
Question I am 26 years old. I was raped by a close friend when I was 20. I went to a private religious college and the issue was silenced and I was told it was just as much my fault for placing myself in a bad position. Soon after that event I changed schools and started over! I quickly started dating a guy became sexually active I felt like I was gaining control back over my life. I dated this person for almost three years he was occasionally angry and aggressive. He would often raise his voice he was physically violent towards me once. However, he controlled himself after that instance. At the end of our relationship there was a night that he wanted to be intimate and I did not (he had consumed a few drinks and did so anyway) I ended our relationship about a week later.
I read some books talked to an educated family friend and overall felt I had dealt with everything fairly well. I accepted things happened and I committed to learning from the past and moving on with my life.
It has been two years since I ended my relationship with this person and I have found a person I love and truly respect. He is amazing I have been seeing him for almost a year. We have a wonderful intimate relationship. I told him about a month ago about my experience in college. He was hurt that I did not tell him sooner and was very understanding.
A few days ago he and I went out for dinner and drinks We had both had a fun night and were on our way home when we got in a very petty fuss. We were both a little upset however; it should not have been a big deal. He was mad because I overreacted (which I did) we were walking back to our room and he was visibly angry and raised his voice towards me. We got back to the room and I was extremely upset he walked over started undressing me and got my bathing suit for me (his intentions were to end our fuss and for us to go and get in the hot tub together however, he did not say that) I know he would never hurt me or be violent towards me in any way and our relationship is such that he could undress me or I could undress him and it would be completely playful and acceptable. However, this series of events made me fall apart. We went to the hot tub and after a bit and him trying to figure out why I was so upset I told him that I cant deal with men raising their voices towards me and that when we was mad it scared me and then when he undressed my it just made me have bad memories.
He now feels that I associate him with what happened to me in the past and he feels awful and can barely look me in the eyes. I can go up and down emotionally fairly quickly and think that it is a result of my past. If I cant fix this I think it will end our relationship not to mention hurt any relationship I have in the future. I am not upset with him and trust him completely. I want to first figure out how to get over this reaction I have to anger and men secondly figure out why and how I cannot get as easily/quickly upset. I secondly want to know how to explain to him that I did not associate him with the bad parts of my past and help him cope with my bad memories.
Answer Hi Jennifer,
Wow, I can't believe how you were treated after the rape. That is a secondary assault -- these can often be worse than the primary one. I'm guessing you have PTSD and need to work through it with a counselor who is trained in sexual abuse/rape. Consider too some EMDR (www.EMDRIA.org)
So, yes, it makes sense that now your intimate experiences are paired with scary men. Because you are being triggered your boyfriend needs to know how important it is that the relationship go slow, and that you have the power to say no to intimacy at any point along the way.
There are support groups for sexual abuse survivors, and also for partners of them.
At the very least I would recommend you read Wendy Maltz's book: The Sexual Healing Journey. She specifically addresses how past sexual abuse impacts current intimate experiences.
Another great book, a classic, is The Courage to Heal by Bass and Davis. I've heard the workbook is good as well.
