AboutKim Expertise I am a survivor. I know what it’s like to be the victim. I am now a Sexual Assault Victim’s Care Advocate. I have been certified as such since November 2000. I am currently a student who is specializing in trauma and abuse and the associated disorders and illnesses.
Experience I am a survivor. So, I not only have book smarts but, personal experience with what rape is and how much it affects the victim and his or her loved ones.
Education/Credentials I am working on my Master's in Psychology specializing in trauma and abuse. I am in addition working on two associate degrees in Social Work and Women and Gender studies.
Question my girlfriend has the worse father in the world. He used to abuse her when she was little to the point where her mom divorced him to save her from that constant fear at home. Then on may 25 2006 he raped her. She was 12. I started dating her march 23 2009 and she saw trust in me enough to tell me this after only two weeks of dating. She has the hardest time talking about it because of the major panic attacks she gets from the flashbacks. Then if she doesn't talk about it she has breakdowns because of the stress from that and other things like school or petty rumors at school. So i try and talk atleast once a week about it and just see how shes coping with it and if its becoming too much for her and I'm slowly learning the whole picture. But the only problem is the more i know the angrier i get... the more I'm willing i am to take life... his life. I'm controlled though i could never go through with it because i never see him and he doesn't make any contact with her. But when she talks about it i get mad and it kind of turns her off from talking about it and i need a way to control my emotions while talking to her. Second i need to know a few questions to ask her to keep the conversation going because I'm here for her and i want her to know that I'm here going through this with her and I'm never going to leave her to deal with this on her own like she did for 3 years. Are there any techniques to help clear your mind and stay level headed? and what questions can i ask to keep the conversation going? and if ever confronted with her dad how can i bring it up to him sometime down the road, far down the road to get him to apologize to her or even admit that it was wrong?
Answer Nick,
I am not going to tell you how to control your emotions, because it’s important that you deal with this news in your own way and anger is a fairly common response. It’s is only important that you don’t allow your anger to get the better of you to the point that you act violently. If you feel that your anger will hurt someone, then you need to seek professional help, to help you learn ways to manage that anger and work through it.
Also, it’s not necessary to keep the conversation going. What she needs is simply for you to listen and while you do that she’ll begin telling you more and more of her story. Sometimes when you push conversation it becomes too much and they begin to push you away, because the thoughts and memories becomes too much for them, so let her share her story in pieces and as much or as little as she is comfortable with, OK?
Also, if you were ever to come in contact or meet her father, there’s a good chance that he would only deny that he was ever even abusive in any way. So these sorts of confrontations only hurt the abused. She knows what happened, and the abuser will never take responsibly (in most cases), so I really don’t recommend pushing this; unless your girlfriend wants to confront him, and then you should just be there as a support to her.
Take care and I wish you and your girlfriend all the best,
Kim
