Rape Counseling/Rape victim
QUESTION: Hello everyone,
First off.. my gf was raped 2 days ago. She came crying to me at 5 am and I didn't understand at first what had happen until she told me she was raped along with her friend who was with her. I was shocked and couldn't control my anger and quickly asked her where is her friend and her friend's boyfriend at the time. But she just told me she okay and kept on crying.. This was so hard for me I held her until she knocked out from over exerting her self from crying. Now I haven't able to sleep since then But I wanted her to report to the police right away so they can collect DNA sample and her clothing. she said no and yelled at me and said she trust me I cannot say anything. while she was asleep I called the National Rainn organization to see what i can do and she freak out and lash at me and saying i betrayed her trust and tried to run off. I was able to communicate with her again but now.. its different. she said she has it under control and went to a therapist. She told me she has depersonalization.. i guess from the trauma from the incident. I tried to remain calm and give her space but the same time im so angry and i hate these guys will get away if she doesn't report it. I tried to bring it up again and she said its too late and no they will not catch the guys. I don't want to bring it up again and I want to let her know she is control of her decisions and everything. I don't know what to do... i read up online they are afraid to tell anyone or fear of being judged. I offered my ear to listen to it but she straight up refused to tell me and said talking to me would be useless and she talked to someone about her incident. I felt hurt she did that but same time i couldn't say anything. please give me advice on what to do next? i want to be her pillar of support but it seems like she doesn't want me to help her at all. Please excuse my grammar and sentence structure I haven't slept properly and ate anything these past 2 days.
ANSWER: hi there Kevin,
Kevin, my name is Susan and i was a victim of rape myself at the age of 17 i am now 38.
Look Kevin i know by the sound of you on your letter that you love your girlfriend very much and are so worried about her. Its good that she told you what has happened to her she must trust you very much too as i know how hard it is to tell anyone.
The best thing for you to do right now is to be there for her when she needs or wants to talk about it please don't push the subject as i would be worried that she might end up pushing you away and destroying what you both have together.
You say she has had some counseling do you know where? She is best going to her doctor if she has a good relationship with them and they can find her the proper help why don't you say to her about going there. What happens in that doctors room stays in that room so they would not contact the police as it seems she does not want that.
Kevin you have already have been a support to her the very night she told you and i know she is pushing you away right now but believe me she will be going through so much turmoil in her head and we all push away the ones we are closest to. Please be patient with her pet. don't push the subject on her and just be there for her when she needs you.
The only thing i can say to you is talk to her when she approaches the subject and listen to her, you sound like a very supportive person Kevin. When she is ready she will let you know but be patient and give her time and space but she definitely needs to be talking to someone about this and soon.
I hope i have helped you Kevin please let me know how everything goes pet.
All the best
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Thank you Susan, I'm sorry it took awhile for me to reply because I had some issues of my own I had to deal with. But to update you, she is doing fine now at the moment. It is difficult to forget what has happen but she is moving on with her daily life faster than I expected. I just hope she not pushing herself to try to feel normal again. She willingly went to the police and reported and got her self tested for any std and such. I am still giving her space and time and just adjusting according to her mood. But Thank you for your story and kinds words. It helped me sustain my mind. Is there any other methods I should implemented upon myself to help me and her continue on and live a healthy life?
Sorry i have not answered sooner.
I am so pleased your girlfriend went and got tested and also reported what happened to her. That is some peace of mind for her and you.
Kevin you continue to do what you are doing because it will mean so much to your girlfriend that you are there for her and if i could suggest you finding a local support organisation for yourself. There are loads out there and for people who have partners that have been abused. You will be around others who are struggling with what happened as it is not just effecting her it is affecting you too. I do feel you would benefit greatly from this and you can find organisations online or they may just advertise in your local doctors surgery.
They can give you the help, support and advise you need to help both yourself and girlfriend carry on living with this. I do hope she hasn't just put it to the back of her mind as believe me it comes back to bite so she does have to deal with it.
You both could even go to a support group together, its just finding the right one.
I do hope you find the support you both need and always remember i am here if you ever need to talk just choose a private chat and noone else can see what you are saying. I am always here to try and help.
Best wishes Kevin