Expert: Autumn - 9/1/2006

Question

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Followup To

Question -
My gf was raped just about a year ago, by two guys outside of the mall, she tried to escape but they held her down and forced her, she hasnt told anyone until she told me august 2005 this has been horrible for both of us, i cant not contemplate what she goes through every day. She cuts her wrist from time to time but so shallow that its not noticable, she got in a car accident to commmitt suicide but failed as the car she tried to hit swerved out of the way to avoid her and hit a tree, dislocating her hip. She does not talk to much to me about it anymore, she has frequent attacks of this while im with her, she curls up in a ball whimpering shaking and crying as she shakes  randomly and unexpectedly, i really want to help her, i have suggested councling and she will not do that for anything i dont know what else to do im scared for her, she has not told any police about this, and i want these bastards to pay for this, they deserve to be in jail for ever, please respond back, thanks....

Answer -
Hi David:

You may not be aware of this, but you are helping your girl friend just by standing by her and offering her your support.  She has never processed the attack, so she is doing this now.  Revealing it to you was a big step for her.  She has been carrying this pain and hurt around for over two years now.  It is good that she felt comfortable telling you about her rape.  

Allow her to express her feelings in the safety of her home.  

You are right when you say that she needs counseling. Her outburts are evidence of the brutal act of her rape experience and rape itself.  To her it is as if the rape happened yesterday even though it took place about two years ago. Remember that her feelings and actions are normal reactions to the rape.

I am, however, concerned that your girl friend may seriously harm herself or someone else.  Continue to encourage her to seek counseling.  This will help her to make sense of the rape and to express her feelings in a safe environment.  Let me know how it goes.

All the best.







thank you so much this helps me i remember her telling me after one of her "panic" attacks i asked her what she saw when she did that and she said him on top of her..... this is extremly troubling hearing this i cant stand it, is there nothing legal that can put these guys in jail?..... we've also been dating for two years and three months and this occurred while we were dating.... thanks for the reply...

Answer
Hi David:

I am glad that I can offer some useful advice to you.

I want you to know that your feelings are also normal, but I would advise against your responding this way in her presence.  Doing so may cause her to be reminded of the violence that was a part of her attack.  

I know that you are probably feeling angry and helpless right now because you feel a need to do something to ease her pain but do not know what to do. While you may experience jelousy because of the images that surface in her mind, remember that she is not seeing it the same way that you are.  Your girl friend has been brutilized by these two men in the worst possible way.  

Rape is not about sex; it is about the control and violation of the victim.   

Because she feels as if she has lost control of her life and body, you must allow her to make the decisions concerning her life. This will aid in her recovery process.

She is a survivor of rape.

I am not sure about the legal aspects of rape, but I will look into this and get back to you.