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Expert: Rabbi Chaim Bender - 8/13/2008
Question
Hi,
I write for Associated Press in New York. Iīm writing a story about growing trend of non Jewish people placing pebbles on graves as a mark of respect. I wonder if you have seen this trend.
Also, I know Rabbi Sue Levy has written about this, I havenīt been able to reach her and hope you might have contact details for her.
Many thanks,
Sean
Answer
Thank you for this very interesting question.
This has been discussed within Judaism for a long time. Here is a very good answer by Question: Why do we place pebbles on grave stones?
by Rabbi Tom Louchheim
Answer:
There is no clear answer to this question. We can only guess as to the origins of this tradition.
1. An early Midrash Lekah Tov (also known as Pesikta Zutra) 35:20 relates that each of Jacob's sons took a stone and put it on Rachel's grave to make up Rachel's tomb. Here and elsewhere we learn that by placingstones on the grave one participates in building the tombstone. We do not find any direct connection with our present practice, but we might ask if this is an ancient memory of this tradition.
2. We learn in the Tosefot to Tractate Sanhedrin 47b (in the Babylonian Talmud), that Rabeinu Tam interpreted the "golel"; as a large stone slab that they place on the grave as a marker and this is called the tombstone as is written (in Genesis 29:35) "It is the tombstone of Rachel's grave."
Rabeinu Tam, the grandson of Rashi, goes on to explain that there were smaller stones that were set under the sides of the large stone that rests on them so that it will not bear down too heavily on the deceased. These smaller stones are called the "dofek" (upright stones upon which the large stone rests). To these smaller stones it was a custom to attach a marker until a large slab is found, lest the place of the grave be lost.
3. Rabbi Solomon B. Freehof quotes the book Ta-amey Ha-Minagimim (The Reasons for the Customs, pp. 470-471) of late nineteenth century author, Ithak Sperliing: "We put grass and pebbles on the grave to show that the visitor was at the grave. It was a sort of calling card to tell the deceased that you have paid him a visit." (See also Orah Haim 224:8). Furthermore, we find in the Shulhan Arukh Yoreh Deah 376:4 : Now it is practiced after the grave is covered to pluck up grass or pick up a stone and put them on the gravestone, which is only for the honor of the deceased that the grave was visited. (See Freehof, Reform Responsa for our Time, 1977, pp. 291-293).
A contemporary respondent, Rabbi Ovadia Yosef, confirms this custom, relying on Eliyahu Rabba 224:7 as his source (Responsa YabiaOmer IV,Yoreh Deah 35).
In former days one did not mark a grave with marble or granite with a fancy inscription, but one made a cairn of stones over it. Each mourner coming and adding a stone was effectively taking part in the Mitzvah of matzevah ("setting a stone") as well as or instead of levayat ha-meyt ("accompany the dead"). Of course, the dead were often buried where they had fallen, before urbanization and specialization of planning-use demanded formal cemeteries. Nowadays one can no longer bury a relative in the back garden, or on their farm, nor may a deceased traveler be interred by the roadside.
Therefore in our day one tends to stick a pebble on top of the tombstone as a relic of this ancient custom, and it is still clear that the more stones a grave has, the more the deceased is being visited and is therefore being honored. Each small pebble adds to the cairn - a nice moral message. This has become slightly spoiled by the cemetery authorities clearing accumulated pebbles off when they wash down the gravestones and cut the grass.
There is a custom of plucking grass from the cemetery. The Chief Rabbi of Safed, Moshe ben Yosef Trani, (1500- 1580) stated that we pluck the grass after the burial as a reminder of the resurrection. The idea stems from Psalm 72:18: They shall spring up as the grass of the field.
If you prefer, there is a psychoanalytic explanation of this custom. Dr.Theodor Reik explains:
People in different parts of the world believed that the soul of the deceased haunts the grave for a long time. On account of that continued fear, prehistoric men rolled great rocks in front of to graves, so that boulders should prevent the dead from escaping and plaguing living relatives.
If so, what is the role of the small stones?
Reik elucidates: The many small pebbles form a substitute for the one big boulder. It is as though the survivor who had visited the grave of a relative and so exhibits his piety to the dead, protects himself from their envy or hostility by putting those stones in their abode, preventing the dead from escaping. (Theodor Reik, Pagan Rites in Judaism, 1964, pp. 44, 48.)
My colleague, Rabbi Andrew Straus offers the following explanation:
Ritual is a way of expressing our emotions and spiritual needs. We need physical acts to express these things for us, to make them concrete.
Placing a stone on a grave does just that. It works in several ways:
1) It is a sign to others who come to the grave when I am not there that they and I are not the only ones who remember. The stones I see on the grave when I come are a reminder to me that others have come to visit the grave. My loved one is remembered by many others and his/her life continues to have an impact on others, even if I do not see them.
2) When I pick up the stone it sends a message to me. I can still feel my loved one. I can still touch and be touched by him/her. I can still feel the impact that has been made on my life. Their life, love, teachings, values, and morals still make an impression on me. When I put the stone down, it is a reminder to me that I can no longer take this person with me physically. I can only take him/her with me in my heart and my mind and the actions I do because he/she taught me to do them. Their values, morals, ideals live on and continue to impress me - just as the stone has made an impression on my hands - so too their life has made an impression on me that continues.
And this from Rabbi David Wolpe: Q: Will you please explain the symbolism of placing stones on tombstones?
-- C. Lewis
A: The practice of burying the dead with flowers is almost as old as humanity. Even in prehistoric caves, some burial grounds have been found with evidence that flowers were used in interment. But Jewish authorities have often objected to bringing flowers to the grave. There are scattered Talmudic mentions of spices and twigs used in burial (Berachot 43a, Betzah 6a). Yet the prevailing view was that bringing flowers smacks of a pagan custom.
That is why, today, one rarely sees flowers on the graves in traditional Jewish cemeteries. Instead there are stones, small and large, piled without pattern on the grave, as though a community were being haphazardly built. Walking in the military cemetery of Jerusalem, for example, one can see heaps of stones on the graves of fallen soldiers, like small fortresses.
For many of us, stones conjure a harsh image. It does not seem the appropriate memorial for one who has died.
But stones have a special significance in Judaism. In the Bible, an altar -- the holy place where one offers to God -- is no more than a pile of stones. When Abraham, following God's instructions, binds his son Isaac for sacrifice, he does this at a stone, called Even Hashtiyah, the "foundation stone of the world." And the most sacred shrine in Judaism, after all, is a pile of stones -- the wall of the second Temple.
So stones have special meaning. But why place stones on the grave? The explanations vary, from the superstitious to the poignant.
There is a belief, with roots in the Talmud, that souls continue to dwell for a while in the graves in which they are placed. In the Eastern European folk imagination, these souls -- even those that were benign in life -- can take on a certain terror in death. The stories of Isaac Bashevis Singer and the plays of the Yiddish theatre, rich in the mythology of Eastern European Jewry, are filled with these types of hauntings: souls who returned, for whatever reason, to the world of the living.
The practice of leaving stones atop a grave can be explained as a response to these beliefs. More than a simple marker of one's visit, stones on the grave are the means by which the living help souls remain where they belong -- in the grave where they do no haunting.
Another beautiful answer to the stones on graves question takes its cue from the inscription on many gravestones: the five-letter Hebrew abbreviation taf, nun, tsadi, bet, hey, which stands for "teheye nishmato tsrurah b'tsror haChayyim." This phrase is usually translated as "May his soul be bound up in the bounds of eternal life" -- a phrase wishing for eternal life for the departed.
Yet tsror (the fourth word of the Hebrew phrase) can also be translated as "pebble." Suddenly, the phrase takes on a more nuanced meaning, based on the historical significance of pebbles.
In ancient times, shepherds needed a system to keep track of their flocks. On some days, they would go out to pasture with a flock of thirty; on other days a flock of ten; the third day with fifty. As memory was an unreliable way of keeping tabs on the number of the flock that day, the shepherd would carry a sling over his shoulder, and in it keep the number of tsror, pebbles, that corresponded to the number in his flock. That way he could have an accurate daily count.
When we place stones on the grave, and inscribe the motto above on the stone, we are asking God to keep the departed's soul in God's sling. Among all the souls whom God has to watch over, we wish to add the name, the "pebble" of the soul of our departed.
One thing both of these explanations have in common is the sense of solidity that stones give. Flowers are a good metaphor for life. Life withers; it fades like a flower. As Isaiah says "All flesh is grass, and all its beauty like the flower of the field; grass withers and flowers fade" (Isaiah 40:6,7). For that reason, flowers are an apt symbol of passing.
But memory is supposed to be lasting. While flowers may be a good metaphor for the brevity of life, stones seem better suited to the permanence of memory. Stones do not die.
There is something suiting the antiquity and solidity of Judaism in the symbol of a stone. In moments when we are reminded of the fragility of life, Judaism reminds us that there is permanence amid the pain. While other things fade, stones and souls endure.
And Rabbi Naftali Silberberg, quoting yet another authority, According to Rabbi Maurice Lamm (author of "The Jewish Way in Death and Mourning") the custom of placing stones on the monument "probably serves as a reminder of the family's presence. [The evidence that this grave is attended, visited and cared for, is respectful for the deceased - NS]. Also, it may hark back to biblical days when the monument was a heap of stones. Often the elements or roving vandals dispersed them, and so visitors placed other additional stones to assure that the grave was marked."
Also, by placing a stone we further participate in the "construction" of the tombstone -- which in itself constitutes a Mitzvah.
Incidentally, it is not a Chabad custom to place stones on tombstones.
I do hope that this has been helpful to you. I grant you permission to use my name as a source. Thank you, Rabbi Chaim Bender
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