Expert: Rabbi Sue Levy - 1/4/2007

Question
While attending a shiva last evening, I noticed all the mirrors in the shiva house were covered.  Could you tell me why?  I didn't want to ask the family a bunch of questions while they are in mourning.  Also, 2 other questions.  We were instructed to face east while reciting the prayers...why?  and the last one,  my friend said they had to have a minion? to perform the ceremony?  He says that is a group of at least 10 Jews....is that only men or could it be both men and women?
Thank you,
L.B.
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The text above is a follow-up to ...

-----Question-----
I have a Jewish friend/client whose mother died 2 days ago.  The funeral will be out of town, but he told my husband there would be some other ceremony in a few days when he gets back to town.  Because I'm Christian, I have no idea what their tradition is for funerals, but I seem to remember him telling me one time that Jews don't send flowers, because they will die....What would be the appropriate thing to send to the funeral home or anywhere else?  I don't want to follow Christian tradition and offend a friend.
Thanks!
-----Answer-----
Dear L.B.,

We don't send flowers because we believe that it is inappropriate to cut down a living thing in order to honor the dead. We prefer to send contributions to a charity that works to sustain life, heal the sick, conduct medical research, improve the quality of life for people or our planet, etc. If the family hasn't designated a prefered charity, then choose whichever one is meaningful to you. You should also not feel obligated by the family's choice if it is something that you aren't comfortable with.

It is customary to observe a period of mourning at home for seven days after the funeral. (Some families observe less than the full seven days.) This is called shiva. People visit the mourners at home, allow them to have the opportunity to talk about the deceased, and participate in prayer services. In more traditional Jewish homes, this is done in the morning and early in the evening. Most Reform Jews have services only in the evening. The service takes about 1/2 hour, and you are welcome to participate in reading any prayers with which you are comfortable.

Some people bring sweets to the house of mourning to wish their friends a sweet life in the future, even though the present is painful. You should ask whether this family observes the Jewish dietary laws ("keeps kosher"). If so, it would be better not to bring anything if you're not sure which products are kosher. It is absolutely not required to bring something to their home.

If you are male, you may be asked to cover your head with a yarmulke/kippah. If it is expected, these will be available at the home. This is a gesture of respect and humility before God, and we wear this cap when we pray, teach, study or observe any of the commandments, including the obligation to comfort mourners. Some women also cover their heads in the same manner.

A web search for "Jewish funerals" will give you the opportunity to read much more about our customs if you wish.

Thanks so much for asking. I hope this is helpful.

Answer
Dear L.B.

There are two reasons why we cover the mirrors in a house of mourning. First, prayers will recited there and we should not look at pictures of ourselves when our hearts should be directed only to God. The other reason is that mourners often do not look their best, and they should be relieved of the burden of worrying about how they look at a time when they are entitled to grieve.

We face east in prayer so that we can face toward Jerusalem and the site of the ancient Holy Temple. No matter where in the world we are, we face Jerusalem when we pray.

A minyan is the necessary quorum for the recitation of certain prayers, including the "Kaddish," a doxology recited by mourners. Reform, Reconstructionist and most Conservative Jews count women as a part of the minyan. Some Conservative Jews and all Orthodox Jews do not. Ten adult Jews would be the minimum number necessary to form a congregation. It is important that people in mourning know that they have the loving support of a community around them, and this becomes a responsibility that we have to be there when we are needed. It is a commandment for us to comfort mourners,and most of us take that responsibility seriously, even among the most liberal Jews.

I hope this experience has been enriching for you. Any time that we have the opportunity to understand our neighbors better is precious, and we should all be looking for those experiences that can teach us.