Thanks for volunteering. I could really use some spiritual advice.
I had close friendships in my life up until age 22. I took them for granted, and abused them. Am too ashamed to admit the ways in which I betrayed even my best friend who stuck by me for years and accepted even the darkest parts of me. I ceased to have friendships (karma kicked in - I've never stopped *trying* to make friends) around age 22.
It is now a little over a decade later. It has been several years since I realized the wrong I did, and how I neglected those friendships. I made amends with those who I hurt, although there is no possibility or desire to have friendships with those particular individuals anymore.
I stopped trying to make new friends a few weeks ago.
I stopped trying because it's too painful to be continually rejected year after year. At first I thought I was doing something wrong, it wasn't until I sensed that there appears to be an invisible "block" that is preventing it.
I am done trying to make friends. Sometimes I would believe someone to be a friend, only to have that person hurt me and pull away. I would think my karma was over, mistakenly. I feel I can't take even one more "pull-away", I've even had suicidal thoughts because of the pain (I'm in counseling).
How long will karma keep me lonely, and how can I best accept it? I'd prefer to wait it out, instead of checking to see if it has been lifted. May I just assume the gift of friendship has been taken away for the rest of my life?
My understanding of karma is that is not punitive, but reflective. In other words, what you send out is what you get. So, the way to neutralize that impact is to forgive yourself, change your ways, prove that you have changed your ways when you are tested, and expect life to be different.
Perhaps you are getting what you are getting because that is what you expect to see. Maybe you are getting what you are getting because you are not choosing friends wisely. Or maybe you have a skills or belief deficit that has to be corrected. If you believe you are going to be rejected, you will be. If you believe that friendships are painful, they will be. If you accept that every moment is a gift, it will be.
Blaming the lack of satisfying relationships on karma is not the answer. The answer is to do your work. When you truly have done your work, learned your lessons, and become wiser as a result, this problem will disappear. You cannot overcome this by "waiting it out."
Suffering is erased by accepting that all is as it should be - NOT accepting that it can never be different. If should be this way because of your past and your current beliefs. Change your beliefs and you change your outcome. And that will be as it should be as well. Life is perfectly balanced. It is your wishing that it were something different that causes the pain.
Best of luck to you,