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Relationship Recovery and Resilience/Trying to make it work again but need help


Ok, my boyfriend and I were together for 2 and a half years and lived together for 1 year. In March, he started lying to his family about me, telling them that I yell at him from the time he gets home from work until he goes to bed about washing dishes, doing laundry or other household chores, that I go for weeks without talking to him and that I won't let him go see his friends. First off, none of that is true. He never asked or mentioned going to see his friends, he never had to do "chores" and I would only ask him to help me clean up if we had company coming over, and I wouldn't go weeks without talking to him, not even a day. There were times, however, that I would go a few hours without talking. Anyway, his step-mom confronted me about all of that and in turn I confronted him as did his parents. He admitted it was all a lie and he didn't know why he was doing it. His parents started pressuring him to commit saying it was unfair to my children that he hasn't committed yet then they started in on him about my ex-husband who is always trying to cause ME problems saying he'll always be there and there's no telling what he may do to you. In May, he showed up after work one evening with a moving truck dating its best for him to move out. A couple months went by, no word from him. I saw him one day, we talked, ge said he still loves me and misses me, he came over to get some work clothed he left, then a couple weeks later he asked me to take him back. I did but wouldn't let him move back in so that I can protect my children (not his) from becoming too attached again to be hurt if he doesn't stay around. We see each other other weekend when they are with their father. I asked why he left, he said between all the pressure to propose, the bs with my ex and the bs his parents were telling him about my ex (they've never met him) and being the sole provider, he finally broke. I want to believe him, but he shattered by trust. Last weekend, he said he's starting to fall for me again. I don't know what that means exactly. But I love him very much. I have requested that he speak to my parents (they don't know we are back together and have said they wouldn't have anything to do with me if I took him back) to try to show them he's sorry for all of it. Its been 3 months and he hasn't done it yet stating that he's not ready to face them yet. Im tired of hiding this from them. My parents and I have always been very close. As of late, things will be near perfect and then fall apart when one of us conveys any sort of deep feeling, like falling for the other again. He says he's not good with stuff "from the heart". I suggested counseling, he refuses saying he hates therapy (he was in therapy as a child and he feels it made him closed off). He says he genuinely wants to be with me and for us to work and he is all for helping us aside from therapy. Please advise!! Should I stay? Should I cut my losses?

It sounds like you are trying to be very conscious and intentional with your choices and consider how they will affect your kids, and you.  That's really good. I'm not sure I can give you advice in this situation because only you know your own emotional truth.  I don't think he sounds untrustworthy, more like stressed and a little afraid of commitment. It's hard to know if you would resume the relationship whether the drama would resume too, and whether you two could weather the storms better now than before?  And how much drama are you prepared to deal with?  It sounds like you are feeling a bit burned.  
It might sound strange, but what if you found a therapist for just yourself? If you found someone good, maybe he would come with you just once to help with your therapy, and maybe he would feel differently about therapy after meeting a good therapist.  Another suggestion is to find a coach instead of a therapist. Coaches tend to look toward the future, meeting goals and inspiring self-confidence, as opposed to putting labels on people or figuring out what's wrong with them and trying to fix it.  It might feel less threatening to him to talk with a coach?  You can even meet on Skype or by phone with a coach.  
Regardless of who you might find, therapy or coaching for yourself could only help you to make the choices that face you, even if he never joins you.  It could help you strategize ways to communicate clearly with him and stand your ground and draw boundaries with meddlesome relatives, etc.
I am sorry I don't have a clear answer for you, but I hope this was a little helpful.  It's a very serious decision, and one only you can make!
Best of luck,

Relationship Recovery and Resilience

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Atieno Bird


I can definitely answer to whether or not you will always feel this badly - you won't! There are ways to speed the process of "cutting the cords" and moving on. I can teach you guided imagery and other disciplines, as well as ways to be gentle with yourself as you heal from past relationships. Many clients come to me in crisis, and after a surprisingly short time, they are free of intrusive thoughts and feelings that come from the past.


In addition to my degrees and certificates, I have fifteen years of coaching experience, through my personalized coaching practice, “Two Bird Coaching.” I’ve worked with hundreds of people from all walks of life, helping them raise their baseline of happiness and make the changes in their thinking that allow their lives to change as well.

“Congenial Alliance: Synergies in Cognitive and Psychodramatic Therapies,” Psychology of Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, (APA Journal), November 2007. “Curtailing the Use of Restraint,” Journal of Humanistic Psychology, (APA) v 4, no 2, 2003. “Symbol in Mediation,” Mediation Quarterly, v 18, no 1, Fall, 2000.

EDUCATION MA in Conflict Transformation, Eastern Mennonite University, Center for Justice and Peacebuilding, Harrisonburg, VA (GPA 4.0), 1999. Coursework in group dynamics, systems analysis, mediation formats, facilitation mastery. BA in Comparative Religion and Peacemaking, Kenyon College, Gambier, OH (Magna cum Laude, GPA 3.76), 1995. Phi Beta Kappa; German, Spanish, Religion Dept awards. CERTIFICATES Certified Coach, International Coaching Federation, 2009. Appreciative Inquiry Trained, Jane Macgruder Watkins, 2002. Certified Practitioner of Psychodrama & Group Psychotherapy, American Board of Examiners. (Over 800 hours of clinical training & supervision), 2001.

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