Relationship Recovery and Resilience/What can i do now?

Advertisement


Question
So my ex boyfriend and I had been having some trust issues since I cheated on
him only once about 1 year ago. Ever since after then I have been faithfull and
been acting trustworthy but he still doesn't trust me. So he decided that he
just wanted to be friends and he still feels that way. Because he said he can
never let me go. The thing is, we have been constantly intimate with eachother.
I know for a fact that he's not using me because I know how he is and he's not
that type of guy. Anyway, he said he still has love for me and he doesn't want
to be in a relationship with anyone else because he said I was the one he truly
wanted and I am and always will be his everything and no matter how much I hurt
him, he could never hurt me and he will always love me. He also said if by
chance he does start getting interested or talking to another girl(Which he said
he doesn't even want to happen) he said he will give me the respect and tell me
Because he is trustworthy. But I asked him
if we would ever go out again and he said he doubts it.. so I know our trust
right now is at a state where IF it fully comes back at all it will take a long
time. As for the intimate part (which ends up happening everytime we see
eachother) he said he realizes its wrong for us to be doing this because were
not dating and he wants to stop it. (He also has this mind set where if were
together your mines and no one elses..so not in a controlling way, but in a
loving way) He also said he only reason why he does it because its with the
person he truley loves and because of the sex appeal. But yet he won't kiss me
on the lips anymore.. only the forehead.. I feel like slowly we are becoming
more detached and headed more into the friendzone and I feel like that's
eventually what's going to happen, but everytime I see him, we always end up
becoming intimate.. our relationship isn't just based off that though, we always
like to play videogames and talk, laugh, play fight, and go out p
laces with eachother and have fun. So what I want to know is, what do you think
the road up ahead of us will look like, and what can I or he do to improve what
we have now because we both still love eachother.

Answer
Hello,

I have a question for you....If you had all the money in the world and you found an amazing house, would you move your furniture in and plant a garden if the owner of the house told you- "I don't think I will ever sell it to you?"

Most likely you would hold off in order to avoid a major emotional devastation.

I don't doubt that your ex has very strong feelings for you, but he has made his position clear. He has major trust issues that prevent him from feeling safe in the relationship. In essence what he has done is placed you in a very vulnerable position. Because you are hopeful for the future you have signed on.

If he is unable to commit, the obvious risk here is you both continue to hang out and remain intimate. While you grow more and more emotionally attached he is still "technically" free to explore another relationship should the opportunity arise. Do you think it will hurt any less if he tells you he is interested in someone new?

What I think you can do to improve what you have now is understand exactly what you are doing. If what you want is a committed relationship and a chance to rebuild the trust, don't continue on in a relationship that is not giving you that. You made a mistake. If he is unwilling to move beyond it, being intimate with him is like saying, "OK... we can connect on your terms, forget about what I need or deserve." The fact that he no longer kisses you on the lips is also a strong indication that he is emotionally separating himself, even if his words do not say that. While he is protecting himself, don't allow yourself to be a sitting duck.

I wish you all the best.

Relationship Recovery and Resilience

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Sheila V. Robinson-Kiss

Expertise

I am qualified to answer any questions related to relationship recovery (Romantic, Family, Work, Friendship etc.) In addition I will answer any question related to the area of cultivating more bounce back and resilience in life. In short my specialty area includes helping people to "Get Over Broken Relationships" and "Get on with Cultivating Healthy Relationships", while growing lasting resilience in all areas life successfully.

Experience

Sheila Robinson is a psychotherapist, author, and trainer, with over a decade of experience helping people grow and sustain the necessary tools needed to bounce back from the challenges that life and relationships can present. She has written two books that focus of life/relationship resilience “Getting Over It In Milwaukee” and “STAMINA” . She lives and works in Chicago, IL, providing workshops, therapy, customized trainings, and style-STAMINA sessions.Her mission is to help people around the globe lead more empowered lives through clear thinking, growing resilience skills, creativity, visioning, and the mighty power of the mind. For more information visit www.staminaformylife.com

Organizations
National Association of Social Workers National Association of Behavioral Therapist Toast Masters International The Theosophical Society

Publications
Author "Getting Over It In Milwaukee" Author "Stamina" www.staminaformylife.com

Education/Credentials
Master of Social Work - University of Illinois, May 1998 Bachelor of Science in Sociology/ Journalism - Illinois State University, May 1996 Independent Clinical Social Worker - Wisconsin Department of Regulation and Licensing 2000, and Illinois Department of Regulation and Licensing 2003 (Full Certification, 3000+ hours) Future Milwaukee Program - Leadership Milwaukee Program, May 2003

Awards and Honors
• Future Philanthropist of Greater Milwaukee • NADEIS Networking and Delivering Excellence in Services, • University of Illinois Academic Fellowship recipient • Ann Keaton Outstanding Leadership Award

Past/Present Clients
Privacy regulations prevent me from disclosing the names of client's I have worked with in my private practice. Below you will find a partial list of corporate client's I have provided trainings for in the area of workplace relationship development. •American Family Insurance •Boys and Girls Club of America •Legum and Noman •Pearls for Teen Girls •Marquette University •Chicago Housing Authority •Governor’s Council of Wisconsin •Seven Stones Day Spa •Sanofi-Aventis •Social Development Commission •Women’s Center of Waukesha •Pfizer •Children’s Outing Association •Alverno College •Department of Veteran Affairs •Corporation Aurora •Coakley Brothers •YWCA •St. Mary’s Hospital •Milwaukee Health Services •Dakota Intertek Corp. •Village Financial Services •Private Industry Council •Learning Enterprise Academy •Ujima Inc. •Harvest Development Center •Reinhart Boerner Van Deurn SC •University of Wisconsin •Ortho Bio-tech •Novartis •Executive Women International •Lutheran Social Services •Planned Parenthood •Arkles Custom Products •Milwaukee Area Technical College •MCFI •House of Daniel •Roche Pharmaceuticals •McCormack Baron Ragan Corp.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.