Relationship Recovery and Resilience/Feeling Betrayed
Yesterday I broke up with my boyfriend after only five months. Although five months might seem like a short time to most people it was an eternity to me. I am 28 years old and this was actually my first relationship and first boyfriend.
As a child (age seven) I was raped and forced to perform oral sex on a much older man and was traumatized for years. I avoided guys and dating throughout high school and college and never even kissed a guy until barely a few months ago.
Anyway...to make a long story short. After years of sexual abuse counseling and therapy. I finally met a great Christian guy in my church who I was willing to trust. We were friends for a years and started dating five months ago.
I told him early on about my sexual abuse history and he was compassionate and understanding. We both agreed to take all forms of physical contact very slooowwwwwly. For the first three months we simple held hand and my boyfriend didn't seem to mind.
Everything was great in the beginning, but soon things quickly soured. My boyfriend became bored, moody, and critical of our rather slow pace. He often allude to sex and his desire to sleep with me. He was especially harsh and critical of my fears and insecurities about physical contact.
On several occasions he forced me to French kiss him even though he knew I was uncomfortable. He often laughed at my frightened expression. When I told him that I simply needed patience, time, and understanding he would get angry.
Yesterday he broke up with me and he told me I had serious "psychological" problems and would probably end up alone. I can't help blaming myself for the break up and feeling deeply "shattered" by this experience. I feel like an idiot for even trying and I wish I had never met him.
I don't even know if I should bother dating again since I have so many problems. Here's my question.
1. Do you think my boyfriend was right to break up with me? I told him in the beginning that things would be slow and was ALWAYS honest about what made me uncomfortable. I don't even know why he bothered dating me in the first place since he didn't want to take things slow.
2. Is it wrong of me to date a guy and expect him to adhere to my boundaries? Is it fair to deny physical contact that is usually acceptable in "normal" relationships (i.e. kissing)?
3. I can't help but feel that if I had giving in, we would still be together. Sometimes I just did things to keep him happy even though I didn't want to. How can I avoid this next time.
4. Lastly, I feel really depressed. How can I cheer myself up?
Priscilla, I'm so sorry about what happened to you and the terrible impact you've suffered. I'm not sure I have the expertise to answer but I will give it my best shot. Take what I say with a grain of salt as I'm not an expert in healing from sexual abuse.
1. Your ex was right to end a relationship that didn't meet his needs but he was NOT right to pressure you, laugh at you, criticize you or condemn you, and definitely not to force you! Good riddance on this guy my dear!
2. You need to be honest with guys that "slow" may actually mean "never." That is what the reality seems to be from what you are saying. You may find a guy with a low libido, similar issues, or endless patience. I believe life brings us the people and experiences we need to heal the past. Renew your commitment to healing from your past, and have courage! Healing wants to happen. It may be there are some energy work that could help, as opposed to just talk therapy. I could recommend some- I'm at atienobird.com
3. You are right in your commitment to be true to what YOU need. That doesn't mean that you may never choose to step put of your comfort zone for your own sake, even if it feels really hard. But to do it for someone else's sake is a repeat of your trauma! Definitely avoid that.
4. Do things to help others, take great care of yourself with sleep, plenty of water, healthy food, massage, exercise, etc. Do things that make you feel successful, accomplished and competent, to boost your confidence and self-esteem.
Priscilla, you sound like a wonderful and healthy woman, I wish you all the best.