Relationship Recovery and Resilience/Mending a relationship.

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Question
My girlfriend and I have dated about 11 months. She has two kids with another man. When I first met her, she said he was no longer in the picture. Come to find out he was sick with a rare disease that, when on medication, made him violent and that is why she left him and moved to Tennessee from Cincinnati. The whole time we dated, she lead me to believe that he was crazy, and violent. She wanted me to be the children's father and that is what I wanted. I planned on being with her forever. Granted, we did have our arguments, we both loved each other. Long story short, he recently got sick and so she wanted to visit him, so I said it was okay. Just 2 weeks ago he passed away and she completely changed. She was grieving and basically comparing our relationship to theirs. She broke up with me. Now she is saying she is sorry and that she wants to be with me forever. She said his ashes are on the mantle, and I asked would they always be there, and she said yes. I cant deal with that and she does not understand. She said that is the childs father and I should respect that but He was only in their lives until they were 1 and 2. Am I in the wrong? What should I do? Thank you.

Answer
Hello,

Your frustration makes sense to me. It's clear that she has strong feelings for the father of her children. The fact that he is dead does not erase their history. You may feel as though you are competing with a ghost...

It does not have to be like that. In essence the outcome of this situation will depend on what you tell yourself about what is happening.

On one hand you could say, "She is disrespecting me and I'm not going to have it. I choose to let her go."

On the other hand you could tell yourself, "I love this woman and loving her comes with a few challenges, but it's worth it. The father of her children is passed on, but I am here in the land of the living, with a good woman and many memories to create."

People grieve in all sorts of ways- including comparing relationships. This relationship is behind her and the death brought up old feelings.

To answer your question, I don't think you're wrong for how you feel in the short run. It's the long run I'm concerned about. If she is a good woman and you love her, that carries a lot of weight. Love is hard to find. If this is your primary issue I would advise you do some serious soul searching before you let her go. Chances are if you can find a way to support her through this, the ashes that rest on the mantle can eventually become a symbol the LOVE you two share. You can be the man that rose above anger and frustration to claim real love. Sometimes we create our own problems.

There is no battle here. Why create one?

"Many a man has lost a brightly lit future, because of the insistence on gripping a dimply lit past."

Walk that woman into the future if she will come with you and enjoy every minute of it.

Good luck.  

Relationship Recovery and Resilience

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Sheila V. Robinson-Kiss

Expertise

I am qualified to answer any questions related to relationship recovery (Romantic, Family, Work, Friendship etc.) In addition I will answer any question related to the area of cultivating more bounce back and resilience in life. In short my specialty area includes helping people to "Get Over Broken Relationships" and "Get on with Cultivating Healthy Relationships", while growing lasting resilience in all areas life successfully.

Experience

Sheila Robinson is a psychotherapist, author, and trainer, with over a decade of experience helping people grow and sustain the necessary tools needed to bounce back from the challenges that life and relationships can present. She has written two books that focus of life/relationship resilience “Getting Over It In Milwaukee” and “STAMINA” . She lives and works in Chicago, IL, providing workshops, therapy, customized trainings, and style-STAMINA sessions.Her mission is to help people around the globe lead more empowered lives through clear thinking, growing resilience skills, creativity, visioning, and the mighty power of the mind. For more information visit www.staminaformylife.com

Organizations
National Association of Social Workers National Association of Behavioral Therapist Toast Masters International The Theosophical Society

Publications
Author "Getting Over It In Milwaukee" Author "Stamina" www.staminaformylife.com

Education/Credentials
Master of Social Work - University of Illinois, May 1998 Bachelor of Science in Sociology/ Journalism - Illinois State University, May 1996 Independent Clinical Social Worker - Wisconsin Department of Regulation and Licensing 2000, and Illinois Department of Regulation and Licensing 2003 (Full Certification, 3000+ hours) Future Milwaukee Program - Leadership Milwaukee Program, May 2003

Awards and Honors
• Future Philanthropist of Greater Milwaukee • NADEIS Networking and Delivering Excellence in Services, • University of Illinois Academic Fellowship recipient • Ann Keaton Outstanding Leadership Award

Past/Present Clients
Privacy regulations prevent me from disclosing the names of client's I have worked with in my private practice. Below you will find a partial list of corporate client's I have provided trainings for in the area of workplace relationship development. •American Family Insurance •Boys and Girls Club of America •Legum and Noman •Pearls for Teen Girls •Marquette University •Chicago Housing Authority •Governor’s Council of Wisconsin •Seven Stones Day Spa •Sanofi-Aventis •Social Development Commission •Women’s Center of Waukesha •Pfizer •Children’s Outing Association •Alverno College •Department of Veteran Affairs •Corporation Aurora •Coakley Brothers •YWCA •St. Mary’s Hospital •Milwaukee Health Services •Dakota Intertek Corp. •Village Financial Services •Private Industry Council •Learning Enterprise Academy •Ujima Inc. •Harvest Development Center •Reinhart Boerner Van Deurn SC •University of Wisconsin •Ortho Bio-tech •Novartis •Executive Women International •Lutheran Social Services •Planned Parenthood •Arkles Custom Products •Milwaukee Area Technical College •MCFI •House of Daniel •Roche Pharmaceuticals •McCormack Baron Ragan Corp.

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