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Resume Help/is my story well written?


Dear Dr.: I am not good with English and I tried very hard but I need your help.  I wrote a story less than half page or so to ask donors for a friend in need.  I asked t2 people but still am not convinced is well enough.

I am enclosing it here. So if you could PLEASE TELLS ME STILL NEEDS  help I will look around. If this is out of your scope I strongly apologize.

Thanks Elizabeth

I am a Chilean entomologist, and part of my work is to conduct surveys of insects and spiders in the canopy forests of southern Chile. My friend Sergio Ocares Figueroa, a Chilean parataxonomist, has been actively participating in the surveys and also other scientists world-wide well over a decade. However, Sergio is in serious need of a surgical operation. He is having difficulties walking and this surgery will help him tremendously. Sergio is disable, lost three of his fingers while working years ago, which has not impede his efficiency in insect collecting, and is a way of supporting himself.
The surgery costs is $4,248. If funds are available, he can have this surgery in October and being able to continue insect and spiders hunting with our team and others.
Sergio lives in Los Lleuques Chillan, Chile, near by the Nevados de Chillan Cordillera. Sergio’s master abilities in collecting insects and spiders, are well known and his family called him “termita” for his insect collecting passion, a vernacular name for  a termite . He is very well known in his native land, as well as for many international insect and spider fans. Sergio started his collecting with the late Chilean entomologist  Luis Pena.
I recently was awarded a grant from Innova Bio Bio, to teach general public and K-12 the value of Biodiversity. Along with Sergio we prepared live insect displays, movies.  Along with two professors we conducted conferences during February and March in the Nevados de Chillan showing the fascinating life of insects and spiders.
Please help Sergio to get better and in his walking feet, he needs your help!

Hi Elizabeth,

Don't mind helping at all; I do a lot of writing so this is not a difficult task for me.  However, I don't think you need me to rewrite this.

Your story ought to stay as it is.  The reason I believe that is that people will respond better to you if the story isn't necessarily professionally written.  In other words, your story gets the message across that you want to convey.  And, it comes across in a very natural and honest way.

If it gets rewritten so that it appears too "slick," I think you would lose that honest appeal.

So, my advice to you is to present just as you have it.  The story, and your plea for your friend, is genuine and written well enough that people will understand what you need and respond much better if they perceive that you have written it yourself.

Best of luck!

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