How to Make the Right Move/Am I a good girlfriend?
Hi Brian :)
I don't know if I should come to you with this. It's not like I have special interest for a certain boy, but I would really like some tips... I'm kinda worried because I don't know if I am a good girlfriend. I can't keep a guy for more than a few months, and to be honest I have absolutely no clue what I'm doing wrong. The thing is, I'm not like most girls. I'm not superskinny (I have hips.), my boobs aren't super big (cup B) and I'm not that pretty but I wouldn't consider myself ugly... I'm sorta different than other girls. I'm a gothic, so all of my clothe are dark, I walk around in high boots, necklaces with spikes and I wear alot of black make-up... But that i only to keep away the people that I wouldn't like anyways, especially because they wouldn't like me either.
I don't consider myself as the perfect girlfriend. But I would like to be. Here's a list of things I do, or don't do when I'm in a relationship. I don't want to have sex yet, and that is the reason I want to compensate for that for being the best girlfriend I'm able to be.
1.I can pay for myself. Or for him, too. Hell, I hate it when I see girls being like 'Oh my god you are the guy here you should be treating me', I mean, Come on. You are very much capable of paying yourself, treating him or not even going out when you don't have the money. I don't like being an expense (do I say that the right way? Sorry, I'm Dutch..)
2.I LOVE TO BAKE. Oh my, I like baking, making cakes, pancakes, pies, cookies, everything. Everytime I come to the house of my boyfriend of that time, it's my own little tradition to bring something along. A box of chocolats, a home-made pie, a bag of candy, or whatever.
3.BRO CODES. I know, I know. Before even making this post I was looking for brocodes I should be aware of. I understand that bros come way before hoe's and that a girlfriend is like the third or fourth most important thing for a boyfriend. Way after friends, family, school and games. I'm well aware and I tell him that. If you made a date with me but subsequently rather want to be with your friends, please go ahead. You have your life, I have my life and there are lots of other things I can do.
4.I can take a joke. Hell, after hanging out with only guys ever since my 14th (I'm eighteen now) I kinda know how guys act, and what kind of sexist jokes they'd like to make sometimes, I can handle that. Mst of the time I'm the one laughing the loudest.
5.You can jut say I'm a guy... but with boobs.
Just kidding, I can act like a guy, trying to fart or burp the loudest, but never ever in your presence. Haha.
6.Yes, ofcourse you need to scratch your balls. Or your ass. It's part of nature. Women do that too, alot, but we have the courtesy to excuse ourself to the bathroom to start a extended session of buttscratching or nipplescratching or whatever. Its normal. But I would very much like you to wash your hands before touching me. Is that too much to ask? (seriously, is it? D:)
7.Fart the loudest. Burp the loudest. I do that too, it's freaking hilarious. I'd just give you a fistbump if you did well.
I hate gaming. But I love to watch. It's either me falling asleep on the couch while you're playing call of duty or it's me watching you play. I love that.
8.We are not married. Please, don't worry too much if you accidentally kissed another girl at a party. With all those hormones running trough your body, I can't possibly expect you to think of only me all the time, that's unachievable and... to be honest a little ridiculous. But please tell me if you did, because otherwise I would just be worried about you while there's nothing even wrong.
9.Give me a fucking hamburger. Or a steak. Yeah, it's not that charming, but I eat like an animal if you give me the chance. But only in house, so not at a restaurant, without spilling or chewing with my mouth wide open, I'm not THAT disgusting.
10.Also food-related: I love to eat. But I don't let myself go, I'm 1.70meters and I weigh about 58 kg, so I'm not that fat I think... But I won't say no to a big bag of chips or fries or chocolat.
11.I'll warn you once I reach my period. I'm not the crying type, but I can be really mean sometimes and you don't deserve that. Don't mind me when I'm in that mood, just don't talk to me for a while. I'll be fine :)
Well that's about me as a girlfriend in a nutshell. Please give me tips on how to be a "perfect" girlfriend because just because I don't want to have sex yet... with anyone, it's nothing personal, doesn't mean I want my boyfriend to disappear within three months, just because he's bored with me. That's about it. Sorry I came to you, to bore you with my problems, But I'm really worried.
Thanks very much Brian, I'm looking forward to your answer.
Greetings from Sumerijah.
Great question! I think it's a great that you are open to hearing other people's opinions on this matter. We may spend the most time with ourselves and so be more familiar with ourselves, but often other people can give us an more objective assessment of who we are than we can.
I'm going to give you my thoughts. They will be frank and maybe even blunt. Feel free to take them or leave them. Ultimately, who you want to be and what's important to you is YOUR decision, not mine, but I hope you'll at least think about what I have to say. Here it goes!
1. I think you are a bit of a perfectionist. You asked me not to give you tips on how to be a "perfect" girlfriend. I wouldn't be a very realistic or good advisor if I did: there is no such thing. But the fact that you felt compelled to make this request, as well as looking at how detailed your descriptions of your behavior and appearance is led me to this conclusion. I am not trying to sound sarcastic, so I apologize if it comes across that way, but do you think that if you were to, for example, stop wearing spikes or high cut boots you would suddenly attract a man who would stay with you more than 3 months? If not, then why mention that? It seems to me that you, probably unconsciously, feel the need to do certain things "right" or behave in the "best" way possible, and when you get involved with a man this can manifest itself in a variety of ways, such as projection - expecting or even demanding of him to be BETTER - and in a lack of self-confidence, which may certainly be a turn off. However, I tend to think this is probably not a big problem, but rather a minor one that it couldn't hurt to work on a bit.
2. I think there is a larger problem here, and it may be a sensitive one: Your behavior is great... if you just want to be buddies with a guy. You seem like you would make a fantastic friend, but what I am looking for in a friend and what I am looking for in a romantic partner are not the same thing. If they were, any number of my guy friends would suffice, as would a girl like you. But friendships and romantic relationships are necessarily different. We seek different things from them and we spend time with friends for different reasons than we do with loved ones. So much of your behavior screams to me "I have relinquished my femininity in order to cause you as little stress and discomfort and conflict as possible. I am unchallenging and expect nothing, so feel free to do with me as you please." What this communicates to me is I should feel free to take you or leave you which, besides not being a challenging and thus becoming tedious and uninspiring very quickly, it seems is what the men in your life are doing once they realize that a relationship with you would be more like having a roommate than a woman. I can have as many friends, companions, bros or comrades as I want, but I only need one woman, which means being that kind of partner is a tall order. Your assessment, to me, read more like an application for a job than a search for a soulmate. Women and men are necessarily different, and this naturally presents challenges and conflict, but without challenge and conflict there is no growth, no celebration, only a humdrum monotony.
I realize that was very harsh, so let me leave you with this: ultimately, as I mentioned, who you want to be is up to you. None of this was a criticism of you as a human being. As a human being, you seem fantastic! But we all have multiple roles to play and personas to develop, and depending on what we want in our lives, some of them are fine as they are, others could use some work. Whether or not this aspect of your life is worth changing or at least experimenting with is up to you.
If you have any comments, disagreements or questions please don't hesitate to send me a follow up! Take care, and I hope this helps!