How to Make the Right Move/dating and relationships
A girl contacted me on a dating site in December 2013. She seemed like a really nice girl. Naturally good looking, yet easy going about it and chatty. Well we got talking for a couple of weeks and then she suddenly disappeared. I sent her a number of messages and she never replied. So I just left it.
She returned in February and apologised. She said she had a messy break up in August and she was still getting over it.
We started texting again. She would message me in the mornings, lunchtimes and evenings. I personally loved it, getting attention from a nice girl. Although I guess it was quite a lot seeing as we had only seen pictures of each other up to this point.
We arranged to go on our first date. We went to her local pub and chatted for hours. Went well and seemed to have the same ideas about things.
The messaging continued much the same. If anything we got mutually closer. She said things like: - I enjoyed our first date kiss, can't wait to cuddle up to you, is it strange i'm thinking about your bed, really think this is going somewhere. A million things that lowered my defence and made me believe even after one date that she seemed so keen and such a genuine, nice girl that it was a shoe in that we would be together. She would send me heart symbols, send me selfie pictures.
I asked her to tell me if I'm going to quickly, that I'd love to kiss her again and hold her hand. She said please do.
So, the second date comes around. I gave her a peck on the lips as a greeting. We chatted lightly as we booked tickets for the cinema and went to a restaurant. I put my arm around her at the restaurant and we chatted lightly.
We went to the cinema, she took my arm in the queue. I asked when we had taken our seats in the adverts that I'd like to kiss her. So we kissed twice. Later in the film I took her hand and we held hands for ages. I sent a text and when I'd finished she took my hand again.
We held hands on the way back to the car and I gave her a hug and a peck on the lips goodbye.
After that night things were different, I noticed she still messaged me but not with the same enthusiasm and not so often. I felt even more apprehensive when she cancelled our date set for a few days later. She said that her father is ill and might make them late back from a day trip.
I stayed cool and said that was fine. I had trouble getting hold of her that weekend. To be honest she was busy and tired a lot of it. However she wouldn't give me a lot of time. I stayed cool throughout.
I never pressured her to talk or do anything. All messages were considered and I would always ask how she felt. Finally we approached our third date. I already got the vibes I needed to slow things down and when asked she said she didn't want to rush things.
I had asked her previously if I could kiss and hold her hand, but obviously it wasn't quite right for her which is ok I was happy to continue.
Anyway two days before our scheduled date together, in which I had said we should do something fun and light, the girl suddenly tells me. That she really, really likes me and spending time with me but she isn't ready for a relationship.
She went on to tell me how her ex was so nasty. He would shout at her and used guilt to make her give him money. This lead to her losing her savings and having to move back to her parents house. Nasty business. And yet while feeling awful for her, I couldn't help feel that I may be being pushed put of her life subtly for good.
Obviously it has only been two dates, but what with the weeks of messaging that consisted of so many lengthy chats where we really got on and a terrific first date. I felt that we had mutually liked each other at first site, gotten on well and we heading smoothly into being a couple.
I did make in hindsight the slight error of sending her a letter of how I felt. She replied nicely saying I don't feel I'm ready to be with anyone, she said she feels I can do better and she didn't want to mess me around. She said in response to me asking the question, 'Please don't think that it's anything that you have said or done, it really is just me and the place I'm in right now'.
Regardless I can't help think things could have been different had I taken the second date more slowly. I feel in certain moods that I ruined things, that I scared her away. I felt we were mutually on the same page and perhaps we were but somewhere she didn't feel comfortable about the whole thing.
Well I did briefly tell speak to her over that weekend, I said again I understood and later said If she changes her mind down the line we could try again or be friends at minimum. She said thank you and she would like to be friends.
I feel although it was a decent, thought out letter in hindsight I said too much, although I was never nasty or hurtful in anything I said. I think on my part it was a way of telling her how I feel and allowed me to clear my head.
Well we haven't spoken in 9 days. I've now decided to give her space, I wont contact her again. I think this is the right thing to do but I'm not sure. All I know is I'm not in the best place to be light and chatty - so not a good idea to contact her at the moment.
It is her birthday next month I guess I could wish her happy birthday over facebook or text. I'm not sure if I should do either.
I am hoping she will get in touch again and I haven't screwed things up or she hasn't gone off me. I'm hoping she just needs a little time and we can start again but only slower.
Am I being right in not contacting her? Should I contact her further down the line. I hope I haven't scared her away, I'm just a decent guy who was swept away and then brought down to earth with a bump and it aches a bit.
Sorry if I sound soppy, but without emotions we cease to be human. I'm using sites like this and yahoo answers to vent a little, to get some advice and opinions - more the merrier. I used yahoo answers to death and some people are quite nasty and that really didn't help. I hope to hear a lot of in depth opinions about shat has and may happen in the future. About what she is thinking and what I have done right and wrong.
Although we only had two dates, you get a vibe about somebody and I really like her and want her, yet its not healthy to hold a torch for someone who might not come back. She made an effort to contact me twice despite not really knowing me so there must have been something there. The way I've acted hasn't been terrible odd mistake maybe but I've done my best.
I would hope what with her coming around twice and our intimate chats and great first date, these will bring her back when she is ready. I will push no further, I hope she hasn't gone off me. There are clues that lead to her coming back and that she is no longer bothered. I'm not sure.
This isn't one of those: - get over it mate and move on - sort of advice needed. I am a thoughtful/thinker. I don't like leaving stones unturned and anyone who wants to help think this through with me would be doing me a great service and I thank you in advance. Positive comments only - would do you think?
It sounds like you did everything right except expressing your feelings. I appreciate your thoughtfulness and desire to learn. A few lessons can be learned:
* A girl who is going through break-up, who is not clear about her emotions and how she feels about her ex, etc... is likely not to be as emotionally available at that point in her life, no matter who you are an how you handle yourself. Space is what she needs. This doesn't mean that you can never talk to a girl who just broke up with someone, but the chances of her being emotionally confused are fairly high.
* You should absolutely not be contacting her again unless she contacts you. You made your interest very clear and in more than one way. It's her turn now to come to you if and when it ever happens.
* In the future, resist the temptation to tell girls how you feel about them after 1-2 dates. For more information about this, please read this article: http://www.practicalhappiness.com/when-she-says-not-ready-for-relationship/