AboutElana Peled, Ed.D. Expertise I can answer questions related to the writing, formatting and development of academic papers, essays and dissertations, from selecting a topic and developing a thesis, to focusing a sentence and/or paragraph. I can also answer questions regarding syntax, grammar and punctuation. And I can answer questions regarding the role of creativity in academic writing as well as dealing with writer's block and procrastination.
Experience I have more than 20 years experience teaching academic writing to college students at every level. I have designed and taught courses on reading and writing for college freshman, both those who enter college ready to do college level work and those needing additional "catch-up" work. I've taught writing to students in master's programs and even designed a workbook to help students working on a master's thesis. I've worked in college writing centers helping students with papers for courses across the curriculum, and I've even coaching doctoral candidates through their dissertations, providing guidance for the process and direct feedback on their writing.
Organizations Owner, www.MyDissertationEditor.com
Education/Credentials *Ed.D., Human Development and Psychology with emphasis on Language and Literacy, Harvard Graduate School of Education
*Ed.M., Language and Literacy, Harvard Graduate School of Education
*M.A., English Composition, San Francisco State University
*Certificate in Teaching Post-Secondary Reading, SFSU
Question I have some questions about part of a short essay and its revised version.
The first paragraph of the original version:
In every field, only a few people can succeed. What are the keys that lead to success? In my opinion, there are two important keys: enthusiasm and persistence.
The revised version:
In every field, we can always find some people more successful than others. What are the keys that lead to their success? In my opinion, there are two: enthusiasm and persistence.
Q1” Which version’s opening sentence is better? (Or both are as good as they are? Please advise.)
Q2:
Does it sound better if I say ,” What are the keys to their success?” So, I can leave out two words “that lead.”
The second paragraph of the original version:
In the first place, if you desire to stand out in your field, you must be enthusiastic about work. Thus, no matter what the conditions, you can do your best at work. Besides, you can always find pleasure in your work. This is very important. If you complain all the time, work will just become a burden for you.
The revised version:
From my observations, enthusiasm is the driving force that propels people to commit themselves to work. If we desire to stand out in our field, we must perform every task with enthusiasm. If our enthusiasm can persist, not only will we do our best while working, but we will also find pleasure in our jobs. This is very important, because without enthusiasm we might get tired of our jobs easily and complain all the time. If we dislike our jobs, they will become heavy burdens.
Q3.
I figured the original article needs a topic sentence in the second paragraph, so I added,” From my observations, enthusiasm is the driving force that propels people to commit themselves to work.” What do you think of this change? Please advise.
Q4. Do you think “perform every task with enthusiasm” sounds better than “be enthusiastic about work”?
Should I use “a burden” or “burdens” in the last sentence?
Q5,
In regard to the second paragraph, I tried to make it flow better by combining several sentences into one. At the same time, I added a number of sentences to make the content more complete. Please give me some feedback on the work
Answer Q1 & Q2: Don't ask questions. Make assertions. Don't use "we." And don't say "in my opinion" as it's obvious you're stating your opinions, and if you're not stating your own opinions, say whose opinions you're asserting.
Q3: Replace "we" and "you" with "people." Again, omit the reference to yourself.
Q4: Depends...
Q5: The additional information enhances your argument.
