Expert: Wanda Thibodeaux - 3/12/2009

Question
I have some questions about part of an essay and its revised version.


The first paragraph of the original version:

In every field, only a few people can succeed. What are the keys that lead to success? In my opinion, there are two important keys: enthusiasm and persistence.


The revised version:

In every field, we can always find some people more successful than others. What are the keys that lead to their success? In my opinion, there are two: enthusiasm and persistence.

Q1” Which version’s opening sentence is better? (Or both are as good as they are? Please advise.)

Q2:
Does it sound better if I say ,” What are the keys to their success?” So, I can leave out two words “that lead.”



The second paragraph of the original version:

In the first place, if you desire to stand out in your field, you must be enthusiastic about work. Thus, no matter what the conditions, you can do your best at work. Besides, you can always find pleasure in your work. This is very important. If you complain all the time, work will just become a burden for you.



The revised version:

From my observations, enthusiasm is the driving force that propels people to commit themselves to work. If we desire to stand out in our field, we must perform every task with enthusiasm. If our enthusiasm can persist, not only will we do our best while working, but we will also find pleasure in our jobs. This is very important, because without enthusiasm we might get tired of our jobs easily and complain all the time. If we dislike our jobs, they will become heavy burdens.


Q3.
I figured the original article needs a topic sentence in the second paragraph, so I added,” From my observations, enthusiasm is the driving force that propels people to commit themselves to work.” What do you think of this change? Please advise.

Q4.  Do you think “perform every task with enthusiasm” sounds better than “be enthusiastic about work”?
    
    Should I use “a burden” or “burdens” in the last sentence?

Q5,
In regard to the second paragraph, I tried to make it flow better by combining several sentences into one. At the same time, I added a number of sentences to make the content more complete.   Please give me some feedback on the work


Answer
1) I prefer the revised opening sentence. You use a plural "people" and then ask what leads to "their" success, which transitions and uses the people as an example.

2)I don't think either version sounds better--"leads to," however, is implied by the shorter version, so you could leave it out if you wanted.

3) I like the change. The meaning does not change much from the first version, but the second version is much more active to me--words like "driving force," for example, convey a certain urgency and importance to enthusiasm.

4) I like the first one because it is more specific--"every task" is more specific than just saying "work" in general. Because you say "jobs" (plural), you must keep the plural, so to say "they" and "burdens" is correct.

5) Your revision is excellent. Not only does it flow better, but the writing seems much more diverse--note how many times you use the word "work" in the first version as compared to the second, for instance. You keep enthusiasm appearing more often, which is the real topic, so this is good.