About Wanda Thibodeaux Expertise Whether you need help with general organization, brainstorming, specific needs of MLA, APA, etc., content suggestions and comments, or proofreading, I can assist you! ESL students welcome!
Experience 1 year consultant at Central Michigan University Writing Center; three years experience as freelance copyeditor, writer, and consultant through business Web site, takingdictation.com; completion of McNair Scholars program
Publications itspopular.com, Music for the Love of It, Nth Degree Magazine
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Science, Bachelor of Music
Awards and Honors Central Michigan University Playwriting Contest winner, 2002
Past/Present Clients Rita Rizzo (Rizzo and Associates)
Stella Gimenez (Total Brand, Inc.)
Waleed Alsabhan (engineer, UK)
Anthony Oham (master's student)
Question I have some other questions about the rest of the essay that we discussed earlier.
The third paragraph of the original version:
Another important key is persistence. Everyone runs into frustrations during work. Once you give up halfway, it’s all over. However, if you choose to face them and insist on solving the difficulties, you will feel like you achieved something. In addition, if these difficulties come up again, you will know how to solve them. Bear in mind that a person who persists to the last moment is the winner.
The revised version:
Besides enthusiasm, persistence is another key element that we need for achieving success. It is very common that we feel frustrated when facing failure at work. If we choose to give up halfway, we are doomed to be losers. However, if we choose to face our problems and insist on solving the difficulties, we will definitely come a long way. Therefore, when those problems arise again, we will not be afraid to solve them. We should bear in mind that people who can persist till the last moment are the real winners.
Q1:
I have come up with three different versions about the second sentence in the paragraph.
The original one: Everyone runs into frustrations during work.
The revised one: It is very common that we feel frustrated when facing failure at work.
Another version: When we run into difficulties at work, we tend to get frustrated easily and don’t want to move on.
Which one do you think make the paragraph flow better? Please advise.
Q2.
I feel the use of “it’s all over” is not the best choice in the paragraph, so I revised the sentence:
If we choose to give up halfway, we are doomed to be losers.
Or
“If we choose to give up halfway, we will not get anywhere eventually.”
Which version is better? Please advise.
Q3:
Does “….you (we) will feel like you (we) achieved something” sound better than “….We will definitely come a long way,”?
Q4.
“ Bear in mind that a person who persists to the last moment is the winner.”
“We should bear in mind that people who can persist till the last moment are the real winners.”
Should we say “the person” or ‘a person” in the first sentence?
Should we say “the people” or “people” in the second one?
The original conclusion:
In conclusion, regardless of which field you are engaged in, having enthusiasm and persisting in your work are the keys that lead to success.
The revised conclusion:
In conclusion, regardless of which field we are engaged in, enthusiasm and persistence are two keys that guarantee success and longevity.
Q5:
Which version sounds better? The one with gerund forms or the one with noun forms?
Q6. Please advise if there is anything else that needs improvement.
Answer 1) I think the last version is best. You clearly show the effect of being frustrated and introduce the idea of moving on through it, which I think transitions more smoothly.
2) "Doomed to be losers" is a little dramatic for me, but the use of "eventually" at the end of the second version does not fit. If you simply say "we won't get anywhere," that is enough.
3) I like the first sentence better. Have you considered combining the two (e.g., we will come a long way and feel...)
4)Either version of either sentence is fine, but you just need to be consistent. If you use the article "a" before "person," for instance, then use the same article before "winner." Same thing if you use "the."
5) I prefer the noun forms, but I like the simplicity of the first sentence. Keep in mind you have been talking about success, not success and longevity. I would omit that if you choose the second form.
