Expert: Wanda Thibodeaux - 4/23/2009

Question
Please help me proofread the two short essay questions below:

1. What was the scariest thing that ever happened to you?

I had this scariest experience a few years ago. One day, I was sleeping. Suddenly, I woke up by a noise from my windowsill.  I opened my eyes, trying to find out what it was. When I realized what I actually saw, I couldn’t help but scream. It was a big mouse running on my windowsill. Then I jumped away from my bed as the mouse was running toward me. I hope this will never happen to me again.  

2. Which is more important to you, love or money?

This is a tough question for me, but I think money is more important to me if I must pick one of them. Although money can’t buy everything, without money, there is not much we can do. If I don’t have money, I will lose my own place to live and I won’t have enough food to sustain my health. Without those basic needs of life, I might feel desperate and will probably die soon. Even though love is also important to me, I believe I can still survive without love. I might feel lonely and empty if there’s no love in my life, but I will not die as long as I have enough money to buy basic necessities. Therefore, money is more important than love when our basic necessities are deprived.  

Answer
For one, the only change I would make would be to say "Suddenly, I was awakened," "I woke up because of," or "a noise from my windowsill woke me up." The difference is in the verb construction, but basically, as you have it, the tense of verb you have in the original just isn't used with the preposition by, at least not for this particular verb.

For two, notice that you reiterate the topic idea in the last sentence. You do not need to do this. Let this thesis stand alone. You can use either the first or last sentence as the opening, but don't use both. Single paragraphs don't really need a "conclusion"--they just need the thesis and supports, although presentation should be such that loose ends are tied up.