About Wanda Thibodeaux Expertise Whether you need help with general organization, brainstorming, specific needs of MLA, APA, etc., content suggestions and comments, or proofreading, I can assist you! ESL students welcome!
Experience 1 year consultant at Central Michigan University Writing Center; three years experience as freelance copyeditor, writer, and consultant through business Web site, takingdictation.com; completion of McNair Scholars program
Publications itspopular.com, Music for the Love of It, Nth Degree Magazine
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Science, Bachelor of Music
Awards and Honors Central Michigan University Playwriting Contest winner, 2002
Past/Present Clients Rita Rizzo (Rizzo and Associates)
Stella Gimenez (Total Brand, Inc.)
Waleed Alsabhan (engineer, UK)
Anthony Oham (master's student)
Question I have revised part of a composition as follow. Please help me with the following questions.
The original third paragraph:
Second, at school, teachers have to inculcate students the harmfulness of drug abuse. To show students some negative news and pictures is a good idea. Besides that, school can teach students some knowledge of laws and disadvantages of drug use. And tell them "Never addict to drugs or you will go to jail.
The revised paragraph:
Besides parents, schools should inform students about the danger of drug abuse. It is a good idea to help students prevent drug crimes by publishing drug related news and educating them about drug laws. More importantly, schools should make students aware about the consequences of drug use: drug addiction not only harms their bodies and minds but also ruin their lives and careers. To add to the negativity, they might spend the rest of their lives in jail and being a loser.
(1.) Please help me proofread the above paragraph and give me some feedback.
(2.) In the first sentence, I changed “inculcate students the harmfulness of drug abuse” to “inform students about the danger of the drug abuse.” Which one sounds better?
The original fourth paragraph:
However, drug abuse is a phenomenon of illness. The abusers are patients. In our country, laws treat lightly people who eat or inject drugs for the first time. Authorities just put them in Drug Abuse Treatment Center. They will not be prisoners until they commit again. Then laws regard them as criminals.
My revised paragraph:
Drug abuse is a serious problem that we should never overlook. However, in our country, laws don’t punish drug abusers harshly. The addicts who commit crimes are forced to receive treatment at drug rehab centers for the first time. They are usually given many opportunities before they end up in jail. So, I urge our government to pass strict laws to enforce drug crimes.
(3.) Please help me proofread the paragraph above and give me some feedback.
I add the conclusion which seems to be missing in the original composition.
To sum up, parents, schools and governments should team up to fight drug crimes. Only through education, recreation, and effective law enforcement can we make our society a drug-free place.
(4.)Please help me proofread this conclusion and give me some feedback.
Answer 1) I don't think you even need the last sentence of the first paragraph. I say this only because the sentence prior to it is rather encompassing and adding something after it seems a bit like overkill.
2) I like the second one, since harmfulness to me implies just physical, while a danger to me can be any bad consequence.
3) If you are going to make a recommendation to the government, be sure to include an explanation of why the recommendation is made. Do you feel that a stricter law would result in better recovery than the rehab? Why (if so)?
4) You do not mention anything about about recreation in the above paragraphs, yet it is in the conclusion. You need to either omit it from the conclusion or include a paragraph that talks about how recreation can help solve the problem.
