About Wanda Thibodeaux Expertise Whether you need help with general organization, brainstorming, specific needs of MLA, APA, etc., content suggestions and comments, or proofreading, I can assist you! ESL students welcome!
Experience 1 year consultant at Central Michigan University Writing Center; three years experience as freelance copyeditor, writer, and consultant through business Web site, takingdictation.com; completion of McNair Scholars program
Publications itspopular.com, Music for the Love of It, Nth Degree Magazine
Education/Credentials Bachelor of Science, Bachelor of Music
Awards and Honors Central Michigan University Playwriting Contest winner, 2002
Past/Present Clients Rita Rizzo (Rizzo and Associates)
Stella Gimenez (Total Brand, Inc.)
Waleed Alsabhan (engineer, UK)
Anthony Oham (master's student)
Question I have revised part of a composition as follow. Please help me with your feedback.
Topic: What steps do you think need to be taken to reduce drug abuse? (150-180 words)
Paragraph 1:
Recently illegal drug abuse has become a serious problem around the world. It is terrible that people can get drugs almost anywhere. Even in some high schools. Students also can get drugs from their friends. If people become addicted to drugs, they will feel dizzy or disgusted for a long time. They cannot go to work, study or even take good care of themselves. The problem of drug abuse is a hot issue. As an educated person, I like discussing some ways to reduce the illegal drug abuse.
(1.)I have combined the second and third sentences as follow:
It is worrying that people can get drugs almost anywhere, and even high school students have easy access to drugs through their friends.
Does the edited sentence sound better? Please give me your feedback and help me find better word choices. (“worrying” is better than “terrible” ?)
(2.)I Have edited the third and fourth sentences as follow:
When people become addicted to drugs, they will experience dizziness or nausea for a long time. Worse still, they cannot work, study or care for themselves.
( I think “when” is better than “if” and “nausea” is better than “disgusted”) Please give me your feed back.
(3.)
I have edited the last two sentences as follow:
Therefore, the problem of drug abuse is a pressing issue that requires urgent attention. As a member of society, I feel obliged to offer suggestions to reduce drug-related harm.
Please give me feedback.
Paragraph 2:
First of all, we should pay more attention to our education. At home, parents should be a good model and take more care of their children. They have to understand what characters, interests or thoughts that their children have. They give children right values and suitable behavior. Then children will model themselves after their parents.
4.
I have edited the second paragraph as follow. Please give me your feedback.
In general, parents, schools and societies should work together to prevent drug crimes. At home, parents should be role models of their children and take good care of them. They ought to understand their children’s characters, interests and thoughts and help them engage in healthy recreational activities. If parents instill good values in their children and influence their behavior through love and education, their children will model after them, thus stay away from drugs.
Answer 1) The edit is better to me, but use "troublesome" or "worrisome" rather than "worrying." (Worrying is a verb, while worrisome is an adjective.)
2) If you use "if" then the rest of the sentence must be conditional, too--you'd have to say, "then they MAY experience..." If you use when, this implies the consequences will happen no matter what--it's cause and effect. You should then say "When...they experience..." (no future tense). I agree that you should replace disgusted. Use nauseated, not nausea. Nausea is the noun (e.g., she has nausea) while nauseated is how you feel when you have nausea. :) It's an adjective.
3) I like the rewrite, as it conveys a better sense of urgency on the issue.
4) The rewrite is much better, mainly because you direct it back to the drug issue clearly.
