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Self Defense/Emotions, Crying along with breakdown, and Emotional Pain are they not to be ignored?


I know this isn't a self defense topic and you probably will send a "This expert can't answer your question response". But because you're so well-versed in psych and various topics I really NEED your INPUT. As long as I can get a response that will do.

I just broke a relationship I've been with for several years. I really loved this man and I genuinely thought he loved me too. However familial circumstances forced her to dump me. I'm heartbroken I feel destroyed. I cried a couple of nights in my bed.

However I've been told by a couple of feminists to "man up" and that crying won't do anything. That emotional pains don't exist and just weeping is useless waste of time.

So I am wondering about  this "stoic" response. You said that you suffered a lot of emotional pain from your life in the streets and criminal world and while you already learned to cope, there are times you still feel sad, angry, and like weeping.

Its not just feminist but traditionally men are expected to be "stoic" and "tough" without feeling pain from useless "emotional stuff" such as being dumped or seeing a friend die in funeral.

I'm sorry if I'm not able to write my question in a better way but I need help and am feeling suicidal. Is it really pathetic to feel this way from being dumped? I ask because I notice how empathetic you are as your article on violence geeks and cults show. Is this something to be ashamed off? Should I just ignore it and avoid crying or throwing items and other emotional impulsive responses?

This is indeed 'outside my expertise.'

There's an old '80s song called "Dirty Laundry" about the news media. It's about a business where they'll rat pack you as soon as look at you. The chorus is "Kick 'em when they're up. Kick 'em when they're down."

Unfortunately, there's a whole lot of identity politics types who with just a tweak of terms could qualify for that song.  Thing is, as long as you're running with them and strong you won't see it. But like a wounded shark among other sharks it's rather terrifying how fast they'll turn on you too.

Such is the nature of the beast. And if that's the caliber of your friends, then no wonder you're in such dire straights. You get nailed by life and instead of being there for you, they kick you when you're down.

I have friend who has a saying "Surround yourself with the best caliber of people who will tolerate having you around -- then pay attention (and try to mimic) how they act." Once you get the hang of that then move onto another higher level group.

He and I came to the same conclusion from different directions. I realized that asking people who had the same problems I did advice on how to solve those problems wasn't just not helping, but it was kind of stupid. If they had a working answer, they wouldn't have the same problem.

Thing is, people with the same problems as you have also have the same lack of coping skills.

Now that's a real kick in the teeth, but when you have limited coping skills having one person in your life is a BIG issue. It makes losing them that much harder and destructive. That's because instead of having a wide number of people who are giving you emotional support and stability, you're overly relying on one person. Lose that person and CRASH!

Now the question is can you recover from that crash and keep going or are you going to decide that it's easier to decide that you're world view is absolute, unchangeable and you can't go on.

I'm not a stoic. I've been through hell and decided that nothing -- not even my own stupidity, stubbornness, craziness, fear or personal narrative -- is going to ruin my life. I've howled at the moon in emotional agony and once the pain started to subside so I could move, I started crawling out of hell. Then I got up and staggered. As I got better I limped. Eventually I got through.

But the only way I did it was not to believe that the thinking and beliefs that had gotten me into that mess were right. It required me to open my mind to other ways of doing things.

As Einstein famously said "You cannot resolve significant problems with the same thinking you were at when you created them."  

As for that, don't surround yourself with people who will reinforce that same kind of thinking that put you into that hole.  

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Marc MacYoung


Street self-defense, crime avoidance and personal safety


I grew up in the streets of Los Angeles in 'situational poverty.' I have dealt with criminals and violent people all my life -- both personally and professionally. I have written 15 books and 6 videos on surviving street violence. I was originally published under the name Marc Animal MacYoung. (Animal was my street name). I've taught police and military both internationally and within the US. I've lectured at universities, academies and done countless TV, radio, newspaper and magazine interviews. I'm a professional speaker on crime avoidance and personal safety. And I am an expert witness recognized by the US court system. My bio is at My abridged CV (Curriculum Vitae) is at

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Too numerous to list here. My CV (for my expert witness work in court) is at

Read "In the Name of Self-Defense" the streets don't give a Ph.D in scuffle.

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