Expert: John - 10/21/2009

Question
On a recent trip for our anniversary, we did what we normally do.  We go to Bourbon Street in New Orleans, have some cocktails, then hang out in the strip clubs and enjoy a sexually charged evening.  

This past trip though started out rough. The week prior to the trip, I found more porn on my husbands laptop. I confronted him and let him know how that hurt my feelings but that I would work out my insecurities and we would be "ok".

The night before our anniversary, we did in fact go to a club, we did engage in a VIP situation with one of the girls (to be explicit, she and I both gave him oral sex until climax), and it was a great night.  I enjoy a certain amount of extra curricular activities with him and we had a mutually good time.

I didn't find out until after our arrival at home that he was back to looking at porn, on his phone this time, the very next day, our anniversary.  

I can't tell you how humiliated I felt and betrayed. How am I supposed to feel?  Wasn't the double blow job enough? I don't understand his compulsion and it's causing our marriage to become quite uncomfortable and upsetting to me.

We're both certain the other person is the one with the problem and he's insisting I seek counseling for my problem with trust.

In the past he has lied about the amount of porn he views. Prior to that we were looking at online pictures together and I'm not sure when or why it stopped or that behavior went private for him. He never shares it with me anymore, he hides it.

I'm still not sure what hurts me the most, that he lies about it, or the content of what's being viewed. I'm certainly not a prude and I do enjoy a healthy amount of adventurous sex with him.

All I really want at this point is some open honesty about what his needs are or what the drive is and tips on how to respect his wishes. If this is who he is, I need direction and guidance on how to accept it and how to make it ok for him to communicate with me.

Answer
Well I really appreciate the confrontation in which you accepted responsibility for your insecurity on it AND told him how what he did hurt you. That is pretty much the ideal way in most cases. Good job on that.

It sounds like insecurity really isn't a big issue with you though if you are willing to engage in group sex type situations with him. Most women wouldn't be ok with that. It also sounds like it isn't the PORN that bothers you so much as it is the lying that goes hand in hand with the porn. That is understandable. No one likes to be lied to by those they love.

Who knows why he chooses to lie about it, maybe it is something he has been hiding for so long in his life that he is just programmed to think that way about porn. Could have been that he used to be ashamed of looking at porn at one point and now still has some of that latent thought pattern left over. Either way it sounds like he really doesn't want to accept responsibility for his actions surrounding porn. This can be a big problem, a relationship doesn't function when one person isn't willing to accept any responsibility. Communication breaks down and then you end up where you are now with both people blaming the other.

You both think the other should go to counseling for their "problems" that is the point where it has become BOTH your problems (well really it was the whole time) and you should consider both going to group counseling. The issue here seems to be communication and at that point it really DOES NOT matter who is at fault. The relationship won't function without each of you taking responsibility for your own side.

As far as accepting him as he is, it doesn't sound like you really want to accept that he might keep lying to you. So don't, get your needs met too they are also important. You can listen and be compassionate and understanding without anger but that doesn't mean you shouldn't restate YOUR needs. Compromise is a key ESSENTIAL ingredient to a lasting functional relationship, both of you standing on your two separate islands lobbing coconuts at each other doesn't get you together you both have to swim halfway.


Hope this helps,

John