Expert: John - 11/2/2009

Question
I had a girlfriend for almost three years and we started to get on the more sexual side of our relationship. Honestly, it was great and I absolutely loved it. But we recently broke up a little over a month ago. At first things were fine, but now I'm starting to have sexual cravings more and more and fantasizing (mostly about her) but also about other girls I feel attracted to. I tried masturbating but after being with her masturbation just isn't fulfilling enough anymore.
I'm not sure what to do because these cravings are starting to give me urges to kiss some of my friends that i feel attracted to, which of course, would be a bad thing to do, especially at school.
any advice?

Answer
This is pretty common in losing a close sexual relationship I think, at least it has been with me and many other people I've heard from. The best thing to do is to cut back on the stimulation for a while (since unsatisfying stimulation can make cravings way worse). Over time your body and mind will become used to not being satisfied in that way again. Once that happens masturbation will be satisfying again.

You can also try dating outside of school, though dating for sexual gratification isn't exactly something I'd highly recommend for your self esteem.

My best advice to you is, give yourself a break from the sexual realm. Be patient with yourself and visit back to it when you are ready. Try three weeks without any stimulation, then give it a test run and see if that works. If not, take a break again.

A big part of this is in your head, because you've built your ex-g/f up in your head to the point where she is the focus of your sexual intent and attention. In your mind subconscious or conscious, you see her as the only thing that will satisfy you. That will likely be true until you are able to let go of the EMOTIONAL side of things. Sex is 90% emotion if you ask me. That's why almost all sex addicts have very little emotional investment in sex, the lack of emotional investment leads to constant inability to meet the satisfaction they are seeking.

Best of luck to you, hope this helps.

John