AboutBetty Bryant Expertise Sex Addictions, Relationships, Infidelity. Please note that I will only answer questions pertaining to sexual addiction or infidelity and how these issues affect relationships. I will not answer questions about sex in general as that is outside my area of expertise.
Experience I've researched numerous topics related to relationship issues and have experienced the pain of betrayal myself. I feel that I can reach out and help others who've experienced the pain resulting from sexual addiction and infidelity issues and offer advice.
Education/Credentials I majored in pre-medicine and had a minor in psychology. I worked as a professional writer and designer for 7 years, specializing in romance/relationship issues.
Question Well where to even start!! I have been doing so much research and just needed somewhere to vent! I've been with my bf for 7 years and we have a 3 year old daughter and I'm 6 months pregnant with our second. Since this pregnancy I have not had much desire or interest in sex. And even after having our daughter I just have no sex drive..not as high as I would like to anyways...I'm always so exhausted...I'm bigger now and just feel fat and unattractive so its hard for me to get in the mood and well move around. I know my bf needs his needs, I recently caught him up at 2am or so and on the couch masturbating to porn on tv that comes on after midnight....It doesn't bug me too much, It actually kinda turns me on to see him watching it and knowing what is going on..Is this normal??? But yet I still can't get the courage to just go in and finish for him or jump him..? I've always been shy in the bedroom I guess, and like it done fast and get it over with...I've confronted him about this and he just lies to me, I feel betrayed, used and that I can't satisfy him anymore...not pretty enough like the girls on tv, just a bunch of different emotions, the thing is, he won't try to have sex with me before even masturbating to the porn on tv...he just goes straight to the porn...
Answer Dear Tanis,
It sounds like your hormones are affecting your libido, and, unfortunately, there's not much you can do about it at this time. But at least the pregnancy will be over soon and things will get back to normal in no time.
There will be times like this in your life, however, and it's important to remember during such times that you don't need a high sex drive in order to enjoy sex with your mate. And you don't need to have intercourse in order to have satisfying sex. Sex should be an extension of your love for each other, whether it's just holding and touching each other or doing something more, such as oral sex. It's part of what keeps a couple close. When there is no sex in a relationship, two people start becoming distant from each other. Eventually, they fall out of love with each other.
Sex without love, on the other hand, is an empty thing and will leave a hole in a person, as their true needs of closeness, intimacy, love, and affection, aren't being met.
That's one of the many ways that porn is destructive. It can also eventually lead to cheating with a real woman. And you should discourage your boyfriend from using porn. You should let him know, in no uncertain terms, that it makes you feel hurt and betrayed when he does this, and that you don't want him to do it anymore.
You should also let him know that porn is very addictive, and that it's difficult to break such addictions. It can even bring out a latent sexual addiction that a person never knew they had, and lead to all kinds of deviant and/or destructive behavior.
It's possible that your boyfriend is already addicted.
I don't think you should jump in when he's doing the porn. That would make him think that you approve of what he's doing, and you obviously do not. Even though it kind of turns you on, you're still hurt by it, and so you want to discourage the porn use.
You do need to initiate sex with your mate, however, to make him feel wanted and needed as that could be part of the reason that he turned to porn in the first place. Your shyness will quickly disappear once you start doing this. Begin earlier in the evening--before you two go to bed. Cuddle up next to him. Make him feel loved and desired. Touch him. Express your feelings for him. Slow down. Don't go fast. Savor the feeling of touching each other, the closeness. You'll enjoy this as well and wonder why you ever wanted it to be quick.
And hopefully, if he's not addicted, he will not feel a need for the porn anymore.
Keep in mind that you're not unattractive. Many people say that a woman is more beautiful when she's pregnant than at any other time in her life. A woman has a special glow when she's with child that is very appealing.
And please, do not try to compare yourself with the women in porn or on TV. They aren't real. They've had tons of plastic surgery and are photoshopped to perfection. Besides, it wouldn't matter how beautiful you are. Your physical attractiveness has nothing to do with why your mate is looking at porn. He's doing it, because he has a hole in him, which he's trying to fill. Unfortunately, it's not working, because the only way he can fill the emptiness within is by having a close and loving relationship, including intimate sex, with you.
Good luck. I hope things improve in your relationship and the pregnancy goes smooth from here on.
