You are here:

Sex Advice/Oral Sex/Masturbating While in a Relationship; Is it wrong, and to what extent?

Advertisement


Question
I am a female, 21 years of age and I have always enjoyed masturbating a few times a week. A year ago I became involved with a male, and we are now in a steady and committed relationship. We have always been open about our sexuality and have a great sex life. I satisfy him and he satisfies me. We discussed masturbation and I told him how often I do it and what I fantasize about while I am doing it. A few months ago, however, we had a conversation during which he told me that he did not feel comfortable with me masturbating during days that we are planning to see each other. For example, if we are planning to see each other in the evening, he is not comfortable with me masturbating during the day beforehand, or after I see him. I told him that it is completely understandable and I stopped. Soon after that, he told me that he did not feel comfortable with me masturbating at all. He told me that it is because he thinks that I masturbate too frequently, and that he is afraid that I fantasize about other people while doing it. I admit that I do not always think about him while I do it, but I don't think that this is abnormal. There is not anybody in particular that I think about; the individuals are mostly fabricated in my mind and usually do not even have a face. For me masturbation is a time when my mind goes completely free; I think about whatever fantasy comes to my mind. Sometimes it is about him, sometimes it isn't. Am I at fault for not "controlling my thoughts"? I have not masturbated in over three months. It has gotten to the point where almost every time I take a shower or a bath, he messages me asking whether I have touched myself or not. I obviously will not die if I do not masturbate, but it bothers me very much that I have to control my sexuality because he has an insecurity. I understand that masturbation is a normal part of sexuality, and I do not expect him to not masturbate, nor do I get upset at the thought that he could be fantasizing about something other than a sexual encounter with me; it is unrealistic in my opinion to expect that of somebody... A fantasy is a fantasy. As long as it is not somebody that he knows personally, then I see no problem with it. He tells me that he "cannot" even picture somebody else but me when he masturbates; I am very flattered, but am not entirely convinced. Even if it is true, it does not mean that I have to be the same way. I have told him that masturbation is not very emotional for me. I enjoy the physical feeling and psychological thrill of fantasizing. He told me that this is not normal for a female; that it is very typical of a male. I feel that he wants to twist the situation to make me feel that I am not "normal" in order to justify his own insecurity. I feel that the more this goes on, the more I will be feeding his insecurity. I want to help him overcome this, but I can't help but feel suffocated. I have never done anything to make him feel insecure sexually about himself; he knows very well how well he pleases me, and I have never preferred masturbation to sex with him. I don't know how to approach him so that he understands that my act of masturbation and fantasizing is not a result of lack of sexual attraction to him, or of dissatisfaction.

Can you please offer me some advice on how I can approach him so that he understands me better?

Thanks.

-J.

Answer
What a controlling asshole.  Ask him how many times a week he masturbates and if he says any number less than five, call him a lying bitch.  Seriously.  Have you ever been to the zoo or watched Nat Geo?  Every monkey and primate in sight is rubbing one out.  Not saying we're necessarily animals, but we have instincts just like everything else.  I'd tell him that you're going to do it because it lets you know yourself better and the more you know yourself, the more you can please him.  Encourage him to do the same, especially before a big date night.  He'll last twice as long.

Above all, you don't want to start going down this path of him being able to control what you do, especially something that is completely natural.  It will only snowball from here.  I would suggest downloading FaceTime or Skype and making it a fun thing for the both of you.  I did that myself with my girl the other night when I was out of town and I assure you the maid who cleaned my room the next day was completely disgusted.  I had a great time!

Good luck

Sex Advice/Oral Sex

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


LarryLuv

Expertise

I can answer any questions. I have a top rating in the General Dating section of this site which naturally involves the topic of sex nearly every time.

Experience

I've had a TON of sex. Different ways, styles, people, and states. I'm also a high rated expert in general dating

Education/Credentials
T and A certified instructor

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.