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Hi,

Firstly I would like to apologise for how long this may be, and also if I have come to the right person but I didn't know who else would be more suitable.

I am a 19 year old male, from the UK currently in a relationship with a girl for half a year now and I really do love her. But the problem is when It comes to sex. I will now explain the roots of my problems.

When I was about 15 I smoked smoke weed, a huge mistake I know now, as it caused me to have severe anxiety for a year, and it is something in which I have never fully recovered - I am always much more nervous, a hypochondriac and I overthink everything to the extent it impacts my life, which I know deeply roots the following problems.

A couple of years ago, I was in a relationship, when I was 17.. for about a year, and I was cheated on, we had done every part of sexual contact apart from sex (to which I had a fantastic libido and erection strength). I broke up with her immediately but she didn't actually admit it until about 4 months later, which as you could guess, messed with my head.

Anyway, because of me never having sex with this girl, I foolishly went out with the sole aim of losing my virginity. There was this girl in my class, who liked me and wanted to go out with me, I never actually liked her much, but due to the urge to have sex and some peer pressure, I accepted.

I knew I was nowhere near ready for a relationship, especially with someone I never had any feelings for. But within a couple of weeks she invited me around to have sex etc. I masturbated 4-5 times that day as ironically, my fear was that I would ejaculate far too quickly. When we were getting undressed, I was feeling extremely nervous, although I did manage to maintain my erection for the time being. Then she opened the condom wrapper and as she was about to put it on, she said "do you know some guys lose their erection when the condom is going on?". Talk about a moment killer, and that completely killed my erection. It was a disaster, I managed to get a semi erection to have unprotected sex but the whole scene was just embarrassing and I was far too nervous to even ejaculate after that.

That event happened over a year and a half ago and here I am with still many problems in the same here, although there has been some success. I drunkenly had sex with the same girl a year ago, without ejaculation but the nervousness was blocked out due to my intoxication.

After that experience, I simply found myself turned off to most girls, all I could think about was that experience. I even began to doubt my sexuality and still do as that moment still effects me to this day. For the last year, mainly previous to my relationship, I always found myself more sexually attracted to males, although previous to that event I never even thought about it. I even tried the 'Gay test' in which I watched porn, and I got aroused. My attraction to straight porn has diminished to nothing, however I am still heavily attracted to lesbian porn as I always have been. However, whilst I may have had fantasies about gay encounters, when I think about the thought of marrying a man/kissing a man/even holding a mans hand, I feel physically sick and I 100% know that in the future I wanted to marry a female and have children of my own. This section in short, its almost as if I'm sexually attracted to men, but emotionally attracted to women, although I still do get aroused over women, just not to the extent I once did due to that experience. In saying all that, my erections to everything have become alot less frequent, and much much weaker than before, when I do get one and try to masturbate, it quite often is half soft, will go soft, or will actually go soft in the process of ejaculation.

6 months ago, I knew I wanted to get back into a relationship, as during all this time I was still quite mentally scarred from the year relationship which left me being cheated on. So I met a girl a began to like, surprisingly as for a while I really didn't care about anyone and just wanted to go and get intoxicated in nightclubs with my friends. Anyway, I asked this girl out and once she said yes, I felt an erection built on complete affection and it really boosted my confidence, but obviously me being me, I always bring the negative thoughts out over the positive and eventually I always get sidetracked.

I love my current girlfriend very much but the whole erection thing has come up again and so has the gay thing which has happened since my bad experience. My current girlfriend was a virgin until she met me, we had sex drunk one night and during this I got a fantastic erection and ejaculated greatly, I loved it. However the condom problem did arise, I was able to get the condom on, but once I started trying to have sex It began to go to semi erect and eventually I took the protection off. The second time we tried to have sex, we were sober but I became really nervous again and ejaculated whilst trying to put the condom on, this was because I was scared of losing it whilst putting it on.

I have had more success in other aspects of sexual contact, all things have been successful. But I have also found that when I lie in certain positions it affects my erection strength. For example, if I lie down, it appears alot smaller and not as erect as when I sit up.

I have also noticed that when I don't masturbate for longer periods, I find myself more aroused and willing than when I do.

The gay problem which arose seems to come in periods. For example, 2 weeks I am so happy and I get really aroused over my girlfriend (although the sex & condoms are still a problem), and then for 2 weeks I overthink and question everything positive, although I can still get erections when I am with her, I just worry more and sometimes it completely puts me out of the mood, and causes slightly weaker ones, although I have never not gotten one.

I am lucky to have found a girlfriend who is not sexually demanding, especially like the one who caused me this problem, she was quite odd and was into strange things.

In reality, I am sick of this and I want to get rid of these stupid thoughts which are driving me mad, I want to have a great sex life with my girlfriend, I want to have a wife, I want to have children, I have absolutely no intention of ever doing any homosexual actions because I do not want to, not because of society or my family, just because I get physically sick when I think of what it would be actually like.

PS. My doctor knows of my past experience with that girl and my inability to get erections with intercourse with my current one and he just told me it would come with time, which did not satisfy me.

Answer
Hi Shane,

First, a lot of men and women have a certain fascination with same sex encounters.  I means nothing.  A great many people watch porn and most men say it is for the women, however, they are identifying with the men and getting a huge turn on watching the men perform.  Porn with out cum shots are not very popular.

Our first sexual experiences can and often do set a tone for the rest of our lives.  We fear a repeat so we focus on that bad experience, which almost guarantees a repeat.

So, here is what I want you to do.   Remember those times in your life that you have felt strong, powerful, successful.  Get really into that time in your life, remember the feelings, the sounds, the smells.  When you are really into it with your right hand touch your chest over your heart.  Then step out of the situation.  Wait a few minutes and do it again with a different experience.  Do that 3 or 4 times.   Every day at least once a day repeat that exercise.

Next,  Imagine the best sex you could possibly have.  Imagine how a really great erection feels, How it feels to orgasm.  How proud you are to truly satisfy your woman.  Feel it, sense it,own it.  When you are really into the experience put your right hand in the area of you penis.  Step away from the fantasy.  And repeat 3 or 4 times.  Do that exercise at least once a day.

By the end of the month when you are in a sexual situation, and some one touches your chest you will feel strong and powerful.  And when some one touches your penis you will  remember just how great a lover you are.

Have fun,

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Tom Blair

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Sexual Relationship Coaching. Publish author. I am comfortable answering questions dealing with most areas of sex.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator All relationships are based on having certain needs being met. Healthy relationships are ones where there is a mutual meeting of these needs. Respect, honesty, communication are just some of those needs When those needs and others are not being met, the relationship will fall into disrepair. Together we will identify those needs and work to correct the imbalance. It is not too late, love can be rekindled. And it can last a life time.

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Neural Linguistic Practitioner Hypnotherapist Sexual Relationship Coach Internationally read author. Retired Educator

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