Sex Advice/Oral Sex/Premature Ejaculation

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Question
Hi,

I have been having a bit of a problem with premature ejaculation recently. I have always been somewhat "fast" but not to the extent that it has been overly embarrassing or an issue. I used to be able to easily have sex without a condom with my girlfriend (on birth control obviously) without ejaculating too quickly. Unfortunately, she went abroad for this past semester and I began masturbating again since she was not around. When she came back, I have been having an increasingly bad problem with PE. It has gotten to the point where I pretty much have to use a condom and if we do somewhat extensive foreplay, I tend to get so excited and aroused, even with no direct stimulation by her that I will finish sometimes within a minute of having sex. I need to know how I can stop this from happening. I have two theories of why this is such a problem now:

1. When I began masturbating again, I developed a bad habit of looking at porn until I became very aroused and then masturbating for a very short amount of time before finishing. I believe this has trained my body to do the same thing with my girlfriend. I will become very aroused while performing foreplay and then when we begin having sex, I end up finishing very quickly - similarly to the pattern that occurs when masturbating. How can I "unlearn" this response? I am going to start masturbating normally to begin with.

2. I am now so anxious about my PE that it just exacerbates the problem. While having sex, I am thinking about not finishing, which just makes it happen that much sooner. We have discussed the problem and she says she doesn't mind (I am still able to make her orgasm often, usually when I am drunk) but I am still nervous and embarrassed about it and thinking about it seems to just trigger ejaculation immediately.

What advice could you give me to help with this problem? I hope it is only temporary. I need to recondition my body's response to arousal and stimulation as well as figure out how to not worry/think about it while having sex.  

Thank you!

Answer
I think you are correct that masturbating furiously to have an early orgasm did not serve you well in having intercourse.  When masturbating, it is a good idea to relax and take your time.  Even if it's possible to have an orgasm in two minutes, there is nothing to be gained by doing so.  A slow and leisurely masturbation session lasting perhaps eight to ten minutes does a pretty good job of mimicking the rhythm and duration of sexual intercourse.  Most males take 1.5 to 2.0 times longer to reach orgasm in intercourse than they do masturbating.

Being anxious does not make anything easier.  Just enjoy that you are able to have intercourse and enjoy what you can do, while you work at making it last longer.  Tell your partner that you got in the habit of being rushed in reaching orgasm while she was away.  If you can afford the phone charges or use a VOIP connection, it can be fun and exciting to have phone sex when you're apart.

There are also anesthetics available for this purpose (often called "delay spray" or something similar) that might help you.

To learn more about masturbation and intercourse, please see http://www.healthystrokes.com/mast.html.  

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Doug Adams, Ph.D.

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