Sex Advice/Oral Sex/Sexual incompatibility or shiness?
Hello! I've seen many helpful answers while browsing different categories and finally the time has come for me to ask something of great importance concerning my girlfriend. But in order to get an useful answer a little back story would be necessary.
We've been together for 8 months now and so far, I've been considerably happy. As far as I'm aware, she had one or maybe two sexual partners before me, I'm not certain because she has always been secretive about past affairs and I couldn't care less about her ex-boyfriend. I have high enough self-esteem and confidence to know that I'm the most decent guy she has dated so far and meeting her previous ex only reinforced my judgment. It was important for me to get to know her before taking it to the next level (getting sexual) because she is from my hometown (where I spent the last summer) and I study and work in another city around 300 miles away (which is not that far anyway).. I didn’t want to rush things and then leave a broken heart behind so I thought that I had to be absolutely sure that we can both manage being in a long distance relationship, because of course I consider communication being the key to every successful relationship. She was startled by my level of self-control because guys would usually try to rush a relationship to the next level. So, after two month of being literally inseparable, we gave in. Of course, I knew that she was less experienced than I was but some of her actions (or rather inactions) were baffling to say the least. For the last six months since we've began having sex (I'm intentionally avoiding the expression "being intimate" because it's the opposite of how our intercourse feels like) she had never initiated sex, flirted, suggested anything or made a sexual remark even. Yes, she is in fact very passive in bed, not moving a lot or participating during foreplay but she knew from the very beginning that I'm an exceptionally sexual person, with high sex drive and extreme loyalty to my partner, and she knew that for me the perfect woman is "lady in the streets but a freak in the sheets". It was important to me to put all the cards on the table before we did anything reckless. She tried to withhold her climax at first, but her efforts were futile. The more she resisted the more motivated I was to “finish” her to the point of exhaustion and uncontrollable twitches.
What I found concerning, however, was that the sex never felt like a mutual experience! She isn’t a shy person in general, but she has some serious inhibitions when it comes to sex. At first I thought that I was the issue that she wasn’t attracted to me sexually and thus I relied on the best weapon I had at my disposal – words. I wanted to clear things out because I liked her a lot and I still do, even though the thought of ending this sexually dysfunctional and unfulfilling relationship has set roots deep in my mind for reasons I’ll share soon. I asked her she was abused but she denied. I said that I would respect her comfort zone but I asked her if she found male genitalia repelling or disgusting to the point she wouldn’t even look at it. She said that it was neither and she just needed some time to get comfortable, this was 3 months ago. I can tell that she’s getting more comfortable with me because she changed her attitude towards me slightly, but regrettably – not in a good way. The more comfortable she got the more impatient, inconsiderate and plain mean she became. And it all escalated two weeks ago, when in the heat of passion (or so I thought) I asked her to unbutton my belt…
And out of the blue, she told me that I was “pressuring her”, a claim that was absolutely groundless and unjustified. I was shocked and enraged. I just stormed out of my apartment, went out to buy a pack of cigarettes and to hopefully calm down a bit before returning to her in order to have a constructive conversation why she felt that way. The reason I was so furious because of this unjust accusation was because I have never forced her hand to my “nether region” nor have I ever “wiggled my tool” in her face or nagged about her doing (or not doing) anything ever. Yes, we did have the “sex talk” two or three times, but it was carried out with utmost discretion, consideration and respect. I was more interested about her views what sex should be like, what floats her boat and what not, if she had any expectations, what did she think about unconventional sexual practices, and again, we seemed to agree on all topics, which seemed perfect at first glance.
Her behavior, at least partially, can be explained by the bad relationship she has with her father. The only choice she made that he ever approved of was me. And perhaps this kindled some kind of envy or jealousy in her causing (subliminally of course) this aggression towards me. But regardless of the reasons our relationship got to the point where it basically became unbearable. Now I’m torn because I wonder even if the sex improves, would it be enough to keep us together, given that she doesn’t pay any heed to my words? Or would this passive-aggression accumulate and then simply “burst” in an unpredictable and uncontrollable manner? Should I try to save this relationship which is perfect on paper but unsatisfactory in practice?
Kind regards, Alejandro
It is often that the person that writes is not the person that should be seeing a therapist. There are many possible reasons for your girl friends lack of interest. When you talked about sex did she sound interested and eager? Or did she sound reluctant? The fact that she does not initiate any sex and that she tries to withhold her orgasm indicates to me that she may have been either molested as a child or that she was taught that sex was dirty, not something that should be enjoyed by a good girl. This is a common with women whose family is more traditional. A therapist could help her deal with those feelings and help her give herself permission to enjoy sex. For her sake, I suggest you ask her about seeing a therapist.
If you can get her to lighten up about sex and enjoy it and if sex is the only issue, then you relationship should be just fine.