Sex Advice/Oral Sex/cannot orgasm

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Question
Hello, thank you for taking the time to answer questions. I am 21 , and I cannot seem to be able to have an orgasm from oral, so I don't really ask for it, I even avoid it. And It really hurts my wife's feelings. Any advice would be appreciated

Answer
Hi Charles,

First of all, I'd like to tell you to not worry so much about this issue. It is actually more common than you may think! There are plenty of men who cannot achieve orgasm through oral sex. In terms of your wife getting offended perhaps you can remind her that it is most likely that she herself cannot achieve orgasm through every single type of sexual activity.

Also, many men simply do not enjoy receiving oral sex. If this is the case for you, you have every right to not engage in the activity and just say to your wife that it is just not for you. It is not her place to get upset with you if this is the case. Imagine if the roles were reversed and you were getting upset and annoyed that she did not enjoy a particular activity. Worse still, she did not enjoy it ENOUGH and you set out to dictate how much she SHOULD be enjoying an activity. I am sure she would not appreciate the pressure.

However, if you wish to be able to enjoy oral sex more, there are some tips that may help you out. If it is only through oral sex that you cannot achieve orgasm, then I will rule out penile dysfunction disorders or other physical problems. Chances are, this is psychological.

First (and perhaps this is the most important thing!), you need to make sure that you have a comfortable environment. Make sure you are happy with your surroundings (ideally private, to remove any fear of being caught). Try to be as relaxed as possible and prepared to just focus on the sensations of the act itself, as opposed to stressing and waiting to see whether or not you will achieve orgasm. This is where I really feel that you should ask your wife to react more positively. It does not matter if oral sex results in orgasm, and it is certainly not a slight on her if it doesn't! What is important is that you are both having fun and doing things you enjoy. There must be no pressure to orgasm. When the pressure is removed, you might find it easier to enjoy oral sex. If there is the expectation imposed on you, you will get stressed out and will be very unlikely to achieve orgasm.

It is like a vicious cycle, see?

You or your wife could always try mixing a hand job in with the oral sex, which might bring you closer to orgasm. You could masturbate until you get close, and then keep masturbating as she licks your penis and/or puts her mouth over it as you orgasm. This will get you used to associating her mouth action with good feelings. Sometimes a man gets too used to the friction of penetrative sex or masturbation, and cannot easily get used to the lack of friction caused by a soft mouth.

After a while, you (or her) could masturbate the penis until you are relatively close to achieving orgasm- but not as close as the first time you try this technique. See if that works when she takes you in her mouth.

I'm sure you get the idea by now, masturbating each time but gradually allowing her to do the work to actually bring you to orgasm. Your body can slowly adapt using this technique.

That being said, many guys only orgasm if there is a mix of oral and hand action-this is fine too, and completely normal!

Perhaps every now and then you can refrain from masturbating to orgasm when she is not around, if you do this. A man who has not ejaculated for a few days will generally be quite sensitive and orgasmic.

If you like your balls licked, she your wife is willing to lick them, why not mix that in with the blowjob? The perineum (area under the balls) is quite sensitive and is a male erogenous zone. Your wife could lick this region, or gently touch and rub with her fingers.

You can even use the fantasies in your head to help you along. It is fine to think about other things that turn you on during oral sex!

You can ask your wife to try different blowjob techniques, and find a couple that are your distinct favorites. She might need to vary the speed, pressure and movements in a way that you enjoy. Not all blowjobs are created the same so it can be a case of finding techniques that you like. Give positive affirmation when she does something that you particularly enjoy.

Work on any emotional barriers that may be niggling in your mind. Are you concerned about semen being in her mouth and that she will be repulsed? Are you in any way embarrassed? If yes, then have a chat to your wife and hopefully your mind can be put to rest. Ask her these questions outside of the bedroom. In the bedroom, your mind must be clear!

Good luck!  

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Sophia Kate

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I will answer, with much thought and detail, a variety of questions regarding sex and human sexuality. I can advise people on how best to improve their sex life according to their personal circumstances. I am always ready to provide ideas and suggestions to others if they are struggling to find new and innovative ways to "spice things up". I am unwilling to provide advice that facilitates illegal sexual activities (such as bestiality, sexual assault, etc). That being said, I am always non-judgmental when I do choose to answer a question. Please do not attempt to engage me in "dirty talk" or attempt to engage my services as a prostitute! I am not acting in my capacity as a sex worker on this website. I will answer serious questions only.

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I am a professional sex worker. I am a sought-after private escort who has also had experience working in brothels and erotic massage parlors. I believe that this equips me with a vast knowledge of human sexuality and desires. My clients present with a wide array of fetishes and requests, so I have experience in catering to different tastes and fancies. It is this that gives me confidence in my ability to talk to and help others with their sex questions.

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Scarlet Alliance- This is Australia's national organization that supports sex workers.

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I regularly write and submit articles to Scarlet Alliance regarding issues that affect sex workers. The articles that I write range from being activist in nature to being more of an educational tool.

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Law school graduate (Melbourne University). Therefore, I have achieved a Bachelor of Laws.

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