You are here:

Sex Advice/Oral Sex/anxiety, being a good lover

Advertisement


Question
Hi, I am in my early thirties and in my very first relationship. I have had extreme (social) anxiety until recently, and I am being treated for this with therapy and medication, which is helping quite a bit.  Because of my anxiety, I was not able to talk to a guy I liked, and I am a virgin. (Along with my anxiety, I have a history of pretty low self-esteem also, but this is improving too.)  Anyway, I am in my first relationship, and I know sex will happen very soon.  He does not know that I am a virgin, and I am not going to tell him. I really think it would scare him off, and he would just wonder WHY is she a virgin at this age?  I have used sex toys often, so I am not worried about pain.  My question is: How can I make my first time thrilling for both of us?  But I do not plan to give him oral sex, since I have never done it and don't want to do it the first time we're together.  How can I make sure HE has a great time and thinks I'm a good lover?  I'm going to be really nervous, obviously, but I know I can relax and let go when it's time to do so.  I want to make sure his experience with me is great, so what advice do you have for this?  Also, even though I have watched plenty of porn, I am still confused about my movements if he is on top.  I have heard two different things:  one, that I am supposed to move my hips with his rhythm, and two, that I do not really have to move with him.  Can you clarify this?  Another reason I want to know what I am doing and to make sure he has a good time is because he has been with quite a few women.  (I am on birth control pills and of course, we are going to use condoms.)  In case you were wondering, my low self-esteem is mainly because I am a pretty big girl- I wear a size 22 jeans.  But I am losing weight also.  I have lost 50-55 pounds in a year or a little more, so I am happy with that!!  I am finding out, mainly from being online, that there ARE guys out there who don't mind a bigger, curvier girl.  Well, I am getting off the subject a little now.  Any advice and tips you have for my questions would be greatly appreciated!!  Thank you!!  Just one more quick question: I plan to have a little alcohol before having sex, but is there anything else I can do to ease my nerves??

Answer
Hi Holly,

Wow! It does sound like you are fairly stressed out and concerned about performance. I know it might seem easy for me to say this, but my first bit of advice is to stop worrying and over-analyzing your anticipated performance. Stressing yourself out over this will inhibit you, and you will be less comfortable and more nervous. This will only hold you back, and will be very noticeable to your partner unless you are a very good actress! I'm glad that the therapy for your social anxiety is helping somewhat- do try to keep it up. I know in your case it might be harder to just relax mentally a little as you are likely to be more prone to embarrassment and a gripping fear of what others think of you. This is why it is important that you keep taking your medication as directed, and follow your doctor's advice very carefully and dutifully for maximum benefits (especially if you are undergoing Cognitive Behavioral Therapy).

I will not rant and demand that you be honest with your boyfriend about your virginity. It is really your business. If the topic comes up, my personal recommendation will be that you don't lie. Relationships are healthier when both parties are honest. Some guys even get turned on by the thought of having a virgin to play with! I respect the fact that you have decided not to tell him but I think it would be better to disclose your status as a virgin because if you start hiding things from him because you are insecure about them, issues may arise later on. Either way, it is really up to you! People always have their reasons for keeping secrets. I certainly have mine. I can help you fake the confidence!

Firstly, your size is unimportant. Your partner already knows that you are a size 22...when you get naked, he will not be suddenly shocked that you are not a size six to eight (Australian sizes, trust me! Guys are often overwhelmed with desire by seeing a woman naked that he will not notice flaws or imperfections. It is great that you are becoming more confident in this area! Make sure you are not ashamed of your body when you reveal it. Revel in it! Don't insist on the lights being out and for there to be complete darkness. Do not hide under sheets. Flaunt your assets. He will love it. A woman who is comfortable in her own skin is more attractive than someone who is painfully embarrassed.

As far as the sex goes, I can advise you on how to go about it but since it is your first time, do not worry about following my tips as strictly as though they comprise a list of instructions. The important thing is that you enjoy YOUR first time the way that YOU want to.

Here are some tips:

*Make sure that you smell nice. Be freshly showered. People like to have all their senses pleased. Better yet, take a bath to relax you and get rid of the nerves.
*Wear something that makes you look and feel sexy. This will spice up the mood a bit.
*You could light some aromatic candles (some can even help you calm those nerves too!).
*Tease him a lot. Rub your hands and breasts all over him. This generally feels good for both of you. Massaging another person with your body is what is known as a "body slide" in the erotic massage/sex industry. Rub your vagina on his leg teasingly. Grab his rear-end and gently squeeze his cheeks.
*Massage his testicles.
*Give him a hand job. Use lubrication for this and start off slow, gradually becoming faster.
*Give lots of kisses, both on the mouth and elsewhere.
*Many women like their breasts being sucked. Dangle your nipple above his mouth- he will know what to do.
*Play with yourself. Many mean find this VERY erotic. It is like a porn film right before their eyes!
*Kissing erogenous zones is very thrilling to the recipient. Kiss the neck, the ears, the nipples and the inside of the thighs for maximum effect.
*You could buy some condoms that are ribbed or studded. They add a "fun" element to contraception and can feel quite nice.
*There is heating lubricant that you can buy that warms gently on contact which feels great on the genitals.

I find that foreplay is key. Keep it very sensual, and if you get bored, try something else. Don't just put up with being bored if he is doing something that is uninteresting to you! If you are still feeling nervous, a long make-out session can put you at ease. Going slowly will help. Trying to move things along too fast may be a shock to the system.

In terms of the actual sex, when in missionary position, the choice is yours what you do with your hips. Both are "correct" ways of having sex. You can gently trust your hips to coincide with his thrusting. If you are going to take the approach of not moving your hips much, it is better to at least grip him and pull him into you as opposed to lying there motionless. Lying there motionless is what is known as "star fishing", and is generally looked upon negatively.   

Also, I will just alert you to the possibility that some medications used to treat anxiety can have the side-effect of inorgasmia. This means that you are prevented from achieving orgasm through stimulation that might otherwise bring you to orgasm. People who are just starting medication for anxiety (like Xanax, Valium, or antidepressants to name a few) are commonly prone to this problem.

There is also the fact that you may not orgasm because you are not used to sex and not aware of how to manipulate your mind and body at the time of having sex. This is extremely common, especially amongst first timers. The point is to just enjoy the sensations and not worry too much if you do not think you will be able to have an orgasm. Interestingly, relaxing will be more likely to enable you to have an orgasm than will straining and putting pressure on yourself to have one. It is also important that your partner understands and respects the fact that you may not climax.

That being said, you could always fake an orgasm. I do not generally advocate this type of behavior in relationships (as communication is better) but like I mentioned before, if you are a good actress and would like to be more impressive, a fake orgasm (or three!) can turn a guy on more so long as he does not realize that it is fake. The problem with faking an orgasm, though, is that it actually gives positive affirmation to techniques that aren't actually working for you. Trust me, I have learnt through working as a prostitute that faking orgasms leads to men repeating the same thing that they believed was responsible for your "climax". Whether you decide to fake it or not, do not be afraid to guide your partner to show him what you like and how you like it. This in itself can give off an aura of experience and confidence, which is extremely sexy! If he does something that you think feels funny or uncomfortable, guide him and say that you prefer it when he "does this" or is "more gentle". Give genuine positive affirmation when he does something that you really like. Moaning and verbal encouragements are good.

BE CAREFUL if you are attempting to drink alcohol before having sex. Aside from the fact that it is not recommended that you dink it whilst on medication for anxiety, drinking alcohol puts you at risk of losing control. Exercise caution.

Good luck!

Sex Advice/Oral Sex

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Sophia Kate

Expertise

I will answer, with much thought and detail, a variety of questions regarding sex and human sexuality. I can advise people on how best to improve their sex life according to their personal circumstances. I am always ready to provide ideas and suggestions to others if they are struggling to find new and innovative ways to "spice things up". I am unwilling to provide advice that facilitates illegal sexual activities (such as bestiality, sexual assault, etc). That being said, I am always non-judgmental when I do choose to answer a question. Please do not attempt to engage me in "dirty talk" or attempt to engage my services as a prostitute! I am not acting in my capacity as a sex worker on this website. I will answer serious questions only.

Experience

I am a professional sex worker. I am a sought-after private escort who has also had experience working in brothels and erotic massage parlors. I believe that this equips me with a vast knowledge of human sexuality and desires. My clients present with a wide array of fetishes and requests, so I have experience in catering to different tastes and fancies. It is this that gives me confidence in my ability to talk to and help others with their sex questions.

Organizations
Scarlet Alliance- This is Australia's national organization that supports sex workers.

Publications
I regularly write and submit articles to Scarlet Alliance regarding issues that affect sex workers. The articles that I write range from being activist in nature to being more of an educational tool.

Education/Credentials
Law school graduate (Melbourne University). Therefore, I have achieved a Bachelor of Laws.

Past/Present Clients
I currently have dozens of clients who not only engage my services for sex, but also for the purposes of asking my opinion about their sexual circumstances and how they can improve their sex lives. My clients also provide me with an insight into the mind of a functioning, sexual being.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.