You are here:

Sex Advice/Oral Sex/Sexual compatibility issues

Advertisement


Question
Is it possible that we are just not sexually compatible and should look for alternatives?
My wife and I have been together for a little over 20 years. We have three wonderful kids and overall have a great marriage. We communicate well, spend time together and really have had a great life together. Our main issue has been sexually, we have not been very compatible and she has not been sexually satisfied throughout our time together. My wife is pretty much a straight shooter and basically has communicated her displeasure with us sexually. She has not been happy with our lack of frequency,she has not been happy with technique, and endurance has not been adequate especially when a good position is obtained. I have to admit and we have discussed that I have a very narrow penis, less than average,  but has been willing to work with what I have. Our Intimacy has been very good and we enjoy being together, but there has been a lack of sexual fulfillment for the last 20 years. I have to say that in the early part of our time together I have been a selfish lover and not realizing what she needed and not willing to accept my shortcomings in the bedroom, but as I have grown and become a better listener I have tried really hard to give her what she needs. We have tried many things over the years to help us in this area, such as longer foreplay, various positions and oral pleasures, and the use of toys etc. Despite these attempts we still continue to have issues in this area. I find myself very frustrated as well, not being able to give her what she is looking for in a sexual experience. My wife is very loving and the type of woman who can tolerate a lot of things, but tends to settle when things donít work out in her favor. I have had quite a few sexual experiences before we married, but I was younger and really a selfish lover, didnít learn much. My wife has only been with two other people before we married, one was when she lost her virginity and the other was a college fling that lasted a couple of months, but she said that she really enjoyed the sex with this guy. Recently we have sat down and had a very long conversation about this and what can be done. I asked her on a scale of 1-10 what her frustration level is at right now with our issue and she said probably an 8. I told her I understand that and I am frustrated also for her and that I needed to try harder and do better. I told her that I would educated myself as much as possible at pleasuring her, and do whatever else I can do in those areas that needed improvement. I then suggested that if this doesnít work out that we may have to look at other alternatives to get her needs met, such as maybe allowing her to find another sex partner. She is not happy with that idea, but understands that this may be the only way she can find the sexual satisfaction she needs. I am ok with this if I am unable to produce the sexual satisfaction she wants, I just donít want her spending another 20 years sexually unfulfilled waiting for me to get it right if I can. By the way this is not a deal breaker for our marriage, as I said before we are happy and have no intention of splitting up. This is something that has plagued our relationship since the beginning and maybe we just are not compatible sexually. I think its pass time that I either step it up, or support her in finding some sexual fulfillment in this area with someone else. I am also aware that this approach is very unconventional, but we have trust and belief in our relationship.

Answer
I think you need professional help and should not be considering ending your marriage over these issues.  There are plenty of competent marriage and sexual therapists and counselors.  Find one near you.  If you are religious, you might consider asking your pastor for a referral.  Problems like yours are not unusual.  Many people find that by talking about their problems with a competent professional that they can work things out.  

Sex Advice/Oral Sex

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Doug Adams, Ph.D.

Expertise

I am happy to answer all kinds of questions about sexuality.

Experience

I have been answering questions about sexuality from both males and females for over 13 years on my web site HealthyStrokes.com. I have been an expert on AllExperts.com for over four years and am currently an expert in eight sexuality categories. I am the top expert in seven of the eight categories.

Education/Credentials
I have a Ph.D. in a field unrelated to sexuality from one of the leading research universities in the world.

Past/Present Clients
I have helped countless thousands of people online over the past 10 years.

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.