About Martin M Expertise I can talk sense about sex. I am not a doctor, nor a psychiatrist, but I can put any problem in an objective context and advise or explain. I do not judge. I do not think in terms of Bible or socially-accepted, but I realize those aspects are very much there.
Experience
Past/Present clients I advised and helped hundreds of people who had problems and questions about sexuality and relationships. I manned a telephone at the NVSH (Dutch society for sexual reformation revaluation, emancipation ? it translates awkwardly) in a medium-large town in Holland. My core message was and is that any kind of sex is as good as it feels, thoughts are free, feelings are true and looks are on the outside only.
Question Hey martin how are you? My names Haxel and im a 17 year old male wanting information on orgasms and cumming. I have been fingering my girlfriend using advice from this website and i have been making her cum but i dont think she has had an orgasm because she doesnt know what one feels like. At least we both think she has been cumming because i have felt her pussy tighten around my fingers and a clear, preety much tasteless and smelless liquid has come out of her. Recently i have been making her "cum" a lot quicker than usual. Am i infact making her cum or is she just getting a lot wetter. I feel the liquid sort of squirt out onto my fingers, run down her legs and even on the ground but we still do not know. What is the difference between cumming and an orgasm? Do you have to have an orgasm to cum or cum to have an orgasm? Can you give me any advice for making her have a guaranteed orgasm with my fingers and/or toungue? Any advice would be apreciated. Thanks
Regards, Haxel
Answer Dear Haxel,
Cumming and orgasm are the same thing, really. “To have an orgasm” got translated out of the medical-sounding Latin into English, and shortened into “to come”. Here in Holland we turned it into ‘klaarkomen', “achieve” or “finish”. The idea is the same: orgasm is what sex leads to, it is the goal and the end of sex.
Because the orgasm makes a man (sometimes a woman too) ejaculate, the stuff that comes out got to be called “come” as well. Both got to be written “cum” often – but not always. From there, “cumming” got the meaning “producing the fluid”. But the two are really still the same: a man ONLY ejects semen when he has an orgasm, and (normally) ALWAYS ejects when he orgasms. With women, the linguistic rigmarole led to the misunderstanding you describe, because women don't usually spray fluids noticeably when they orgasm, and can produce a lot of it even if they don't.
The orgasm is the ‘trick' that the body uses to get the semen from the man into the womb of the woman. The idea is to get fertilization going and produce a baby. The good feeling is just a lure to make sure that people want to do it. If there was no fun in it, why produce smelly nuisances of bratty offspring? Nature wants us to reproduce, so the orgasm feels good to fool us into getting kids.
The orgasm is mainly a crampy contraction of muscles. The male variant: in order to squirt out the semen fast and far into the vagina, the female variant: to pinch it out of the penis, squish it in deeper and tilt the opening of the womb closer to the jet of cum. The pleasant feeling is in that spasmodic contraction of muscles and in the pulsing relaxation in-between and after the spasms. So how do you define orgasm(=cumming)? By the spasms and the good feeling.
The fluids get produced by sexual arousal. The more excited you get, the more you dribble goo. Both men and women do that to oil the whole process. One you get randy and want to fuck, the body starts preparing for it by making a lubricant, women a bit more than men. So fluids don't define orgasm, they define arousal.
This is getting quite mathematical, really. I'll go nasty at you about that in a minute. First some more science and logic.
A woman dribbling is a woman just being randy, but a woman squirting means a pretty spasmodic contraction of the vagina, hence an orgasm. QED.
A vagina tightening on your finger, on the other hand, MIGHT have been a spasmodic contraction (hence orgasm), but it could also have been a voluntary and controlled contraction: woman can order the muscles of the vagina to contract . No definite proof there. You'll have to ask her whether that contraction was meant to happen or did it spasm all by itself?
Having dealt with contractions and fluids we need to examine the feeling. Orgasm feels better than what went before in a gushing, sneezing, big-sigh-kind of way. You'll recognize that? For her it is similar, less explosive maybe, less sharp-jerk-like maybe, but equally overwhelming. A flood of feeling that blanks the mind and blinds the eye. You curve the spine and writhe, without control, you feel like your guts spill out and your brain explodes in shards of light. Afterwards you go limp as a wet rag, break out in a sweat and feel exhausted but aglow with pleasure all through your body. If she felt something like that, she had an orgasm c.q. she came or cummed or whatever. I get the impression she did, but never could be sure because there was too much word-play and science involved.
Which is why I now go nasty, as promised.
Will you stop thinking, guessing, doing medico-linguistics and being logically mathematical? Enjoy each other. Who cares whether she orgasms or cums, both or neither? As long as she LIKES it! Does it feel good for her? THAT is what counts.
“Using advice from a website” indeed! “More advice for making her have a guaranteed orgasm with my fingers and/or tongue” my ASS! Stop being all-inclusively grammatical! Stop trying to work things out.
Go ape and have dirty fun!
I love doing that, sorry. There will still be some advice, below.
Nicely again, DO stop worrying about what to call things or how to define them. Stop trying to make things happen according to the book. What book did you have in mind? Sex has no rules, pleasure has no definitions. As long as it feels good, it IS good. Okay, see if her feelings qualify as an official orgasm, but PLEASE don't make it a criterion. If she likes it, it's good, if she does not like it, ask me again.
Don't ponder, strive and worry, just love each other and share each other. Share minds, share hearts and souls and share bodies. Fuse. If you love each other, you want her and she wants you. She gives herself, you give yourself, you take each other. It's all one. Open up to each other and get into each other, your randy pleasure of getting your fingers inside her pussy and feeling her inside fuses with her pleasure of letting you inside her body and feeling her genital stimulated. It's sexual pleasure AND being-invaded pleasure AND pleasure of giving AND invading-pleasure, all that, BOTH physically and emotionally. One ball of messy love, mind, heart, soul, body, fluids and sweat. Don't think about it, do it. The orgasm will come naturally.
Okay, the and/or cumming AKA orgasm-advice. No guarantees, unfortunately.
Go ape as above but keep just enough of your wits (about 7 of the 120 IQ) intact to go for the clitoris, inner lips and nipples. Leave 5 intact to remember to vary your moves now and then. Use your whole body.
In case you didn't know, the clitoris is the organ that a woman gets her orgasm from. The clitoris is for a woman what the head of the penis is for the man. The two are actually two variants of the same organ. It's a little round thingy – like a small pea- that lies (usually hidden) between the fold of the inner vaginal lips (the tent-like ‘hood') where they meet at the top (nearest the belly). If you pull the lips apart and upwards (towards her belly) you can probably see it. If it's to deep to reach easily, rubbing it from outside the hood works just as well. If you touch it directly, use your tongue or a VERY wet finger.
And while you do your examination of her physical factuality (I really LOVE teasing, it's hard to stop) you might as well see if you can get her to squeal by finding her G-spot. The G-spot CAN help a lot in orgasm/cumming, but it often is not sensitive enough to matter much. Try. The fabled spot is to be found around one inch inside the vagina, on it's ‘roof'. Put one finger deep inside (palm up) and crook the finger as in “come hither”. If the spot is there, she'll go “Wheee!”. Or so.
Variation is necessary because all nerves go dull after a while. The first stimulation is always the strongest. The first rub on any one point feels lovely, so does the second, then the feeling gets less poignant and if it lasts too long the same touch gets boring and even painful. Do (for instance) a lick or two all through the pussy, then two quicker ones on the inner lips only, three slow ones between the lips, then a broad slow lick all the way to the top, and four strong slow and two strong quick ones on the clit, then draw lines with your fingers along the outside of the inner lips, squashing them together a bit, while you nibble her pubic hair and lick her belly clean. Then dry her belly with your hair while you put two thumbs inside her vagina and as you trail your tongue back down below, rub the whole pussy hard with one flat hand etcetera, making a complete circus out of it and using your imagination without doing anything by any book or any rule. Anything goes.
This idiocy comes more natural if you go idiot (ape and bananas) because you will be so insanely in love with her that you are trying to find a way into her and go licking and fingering and fucking every inch of her to SOMEHOW GET IN. To eat her soul, kiss her heart, be one with her. You will then also naturally use your whole body to get into her whole body.
You not being an idiot, nor likely to go ape overnight, I'll write it out: don't focus on one point only. While you are salivating all over her pussy, have you belly doing things to her legs and your knees to her feet, use your hands to play with her nipples, breasts, belly and her armpits. If you can reach her face: stroke it, love it. Love HER, not just the one tiny bit.
